Fed up of being forced to listen to tinny Akon played through a mobile phone loudspeaker by a loud and frankly intimidating group of school children, more than likely packing knives, high on drugs or, simply, astonishingly mouthy on the bus? Well fear no more. Ken has stumped up cash to provide nearly 400 extra Police Community Support Officers to patrol public transport, particularly in the post school rush. He says,

"They will form a highly visible policing presence on our transport network, providing reassurance and making public transport safer."

Hang on though, this does rather depend on the power of the PCSO blue anorak being able to either strike fear into the hearts of the less confident kids or stir up some atom of consideration and respect for others in those who are rather less bothered by the presence of a uniform, particularly if it isn’t attached to any discernible police powers.

After all, what reasonable grown up transport user hasn’t tried to intervene in teen agro matters with their confident, mature authority and ended up being taunted, poked or set on fire? Will the Safer Transport Teams actually be able to do anything helpful to protect us poor, adult "vulnerable travellers"?

Londonist suggests the following measures be implemented immediately:

• Confiscate and destroy policy relating to those damn mobile phones playing shite music through an inadequate loudspeaker

• On the spot fines for every "innit/izzit?" uttered and for any form of Catherine Tate impression

• Free hooded tops for everyone over the age of 40. Watch the young ragamuffins abandon the garment in droves

• Compulsory enrolment in mime artistry classes for the under 18s. Help them turn all that rhythmic yo-bruv arm expression into something more refined

• One month's schooling in the University of Life (wherever that is) for snobbish media types like us

Oh, and it's starting in Bexley... suggest additional PCSO regional responsibility: BoB watch.

Picture courtesy of DG Jones' Flickr stream