26 April 2017 | 10 °C

Release the Bees

By sizemore Last edited 122 months ago
Release the Bees
the_swarm.jpg

Dear Terrorists,

Your days are numbered. We've got the intelligence to stop you before you even know you're about to think up an attack. We've got armed police that will take you, the guy next to you, and even people in the next borough, down in a heartbeat if it means saving the people we don't kill. We have a terror alert system that keeps our citizens updated on whatever you may or may not be threatening. And we channel all our fear into Evening Standard headlines that by 9pm are left to harmlessly rot on the tube. But in case you were still thinking of trying something, let us warn you that a line has been crossed and we will have no problem in unleashing hell on you freedom hating misfits. And by hell we mean the bees.

Yes, the bees.

Sniffer bees to be exact.

Sniffer bees hidden in a small black box that will pull out their tongues as soon as you get near.

Beware the wriggling bee tongues of freedom you terrorist fucks!

You don't actually see the bees because they are kept in a kind of black box' - when people walk past the box a pump inside draws a slow flow of air over them. When the trained bees detect the smell of explosives they naturally react by sticking out their tongues which is picked up on image analysis software and converted into an alarm. To rule out false alarms the software only reacts when all the bees stick out their tongues.

If you like honey you may want to keep your head down too, but this is mostly aimed at the bad guys.

And if the bees fail we have snails. And if the snails fail we have stick insects. And if the stick insects fail we'll find something else. Don't underestimate how far we will go and how blatantly ridiculous we will let things get in order to stamp you out.

Last Updated 08 February 2007