Santa's Crap: Four great gift ideas from This Isn't London

Evening Standard Headline Fridge Magnets. Once the day's joyless toil in the belly of the unforgiving city is done, and we trundle back to our Barrett Boxes in travelling conditions that make the Bataan Death March look like a limo ride, what diverts you and gives you comfort? Thinking about fridges, of course, because the Evening Standard is full of frankly terrifying reports about how total social meltdown is only a tiny step away. But now you can combine both lovely, nonjudgmental fridges and gibbering panic with these attractive wipe-clean Evening Standard Headline Fridge Magnets. Contains the words TUBE, CHAOS, STRIKE, CHAOS, HOSPITALS, CHAOS, CHAOS, SHOCK, MUGGING, SCHOOLS, CHAOS, BIRD, CHAOS, FLU, KEN, CHAOS, HAPPY, WHALE, SLAPPING, HOUSE PRICES, CHAOS, FTSE, CHAOS, CHAOS, KNIFED, C-CHARGE, OLYMPICS, CHAOS STABBING, CHAOS, WIN, A, £500,000, LUXURY, CHAOS, FLAT, and TRAMPOLINE. Another "quality" product from the Evening Standard, the newspaper that defines "quality" as "one step above free".

London Lite subscription. Feel like you're always missing out on the latest reheated fragments of yesterday's news, crumbs of tittle-tattle about C-list wannabes and bargain basement "lifestyle" hints? For a mere £52, a distributor of the giveaway crapsheet will stand outside your front door and invasively attempt to force a copy on you every time you enter or leave your home. Why wait until you reach the station?

Norman Foster's "World Squares For All" - For All! This simple kit lets you enjoy some instant urban renewal - wherever you are. Contains two slabs of terrazzo paving to strap to your feet and a Costa coffee kiosk that will follow you around. Creates Continental ambience. Guaranteed to raise property prices in your immediate vicinity. CABE-approved. Does not include pigeons.

Camilla - Le Parfum. This sophisticated fragrance from Duchy Originals has top notes inspired by a bottle of cologne that has been in the family since 1921, changing colour twice in that time. Beneath this are tweedy notes of wet dog, doggy notes of wet tweed, and hints of horse manure, stale Dunhills, and damp in general - it's the smell of aristocracy. A full gift set, in presentation welly, is available, including a rough flannel, horse shower gel, 10 Dunhill, worming tablets and "some land" in Devon.

This Isn't London is conceived and compiled by Will Wiles. This Isn't London will return, on Londonist, in the New Year.