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TV Troll: Turkeys And French Hens

By Jo Last edited 136 months ago
TV Troll: Turkeys And French Hens
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Well, TV Troll was 50% right, which is better than nowt, as salt-o'-t'earth Strictly Come Dancing winner Darren might say. We're still kicking ourselves for not having put money on Shayne to win as we predicted aaaages ago; we could have bought new cushions for the dungeon or something with the winnings. Congrats to the winners and the runners-up; both finals were superb, although it was a pain in the arse having to swap between channels all the sodding time (our preference was for SCD, but Brucie and Tess make us think longingly of neutron bombs, necessitating trips to the other side). We wonder how many people did likewise? Given that there's been a bitchfight over which channel really 'won' the "ratings war", we'd be interested to know how people who watched half of both were categorised. Anyway, unlike last year, we really didn't care who won either show, in a 'they're-all-good!' way rather than a give-me-five-minutes-alone-with-G4-and-a-railgun/Jill-is-a—two-faced-ho-bag way. Still, it's a shame the best talent shows of the year are off our screens; we've only got the rather large gift-wrapped consolation prize of the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special (Sat 6.25pm BBC1) to look forward to now (it's got the stars of the American version in - and official hornbag Rachel Hunter is dancing with Brendan, who apparently fancies the arse off her, poor Camilla, hope she isn't too upset by his perfidy, and oh we need a sit-down and a glass of mulled wine).

If only we could have voted out our least favourites from the Live 8 line-up. There are a couple of retrospectives eulogising Bob and Bono and friends this week - Live 8: It Was Twenty Years Ago Today (Tue 10.35pm BBC1) and Live 8: A Bittersweet Symphony (Wed 10.40pm BBC1) - to keep the plight of the world's poor (and the world's spoiled pop stars - drinking cocktails out of Africa-shaped glasses? We bet that little tidbit doesn't appear in either programme) in our minds as Christmas looms, no doubt. Another grim anniversary - that of the tsunami last Boxing Day - approaches, and will be marked by a documentary showing how scientists are desperately trying to work out how to prevent another failure of warning systems in the event of another catastrophic event, Unstoppable Wave (Wed 8pm BBC1, followed by a Tsunami Disaster Emergency Committee Appeal Update - relief work in the affected regions is far from over, after all).

Gordon Ramsay is a Londonist god, for reasons that ought to be obvious even to someone as thick as, say, Paris Hilton: he's revoltingly talented, roguishly handsome and swears like Ozzie Osbourne doing a Sponsored Turn The Air Blue evening. There may be blood on that apron of his, however, if the listing in this week's Radio Times is anything to go by (Gordon Ramsay's Christmas F Word, Wed 9pm C4):

Gordon Ramsay cooks the perfect turkey recipe: truffle and herb buttered turkey with fried breadcrumbs. Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall takes on Gordon in the recipe challenge, and the whole restaurant eats Jamie, Nigella, Delia, Ainsley, Anthony and Gary: the turkeys from Gordon's back garden. Sharon Osbourne guests.

We take it that's a, ah, little joke on the part of the listings monkeys at the RT, although we simply love the idea of slow-roasted TV chef - pass the Jamie chops, please, dear!

OK, regular readers (Mrs Trellis, is that you?) might have noticed that w haven't mentioned that new Attenborough thing everyone else is raving about (Life In The Undergrowth, Wed 9pm BBC1). Well, that's because ... TV Troll has raging entomophobia. Insects creep us the fuck out, and no heart-warming stories of mantis-rape, beetle-ramming and cockroach cannibalism is going to change that. We're mentioning this week's episode purely because it's about insect societies, and we want to remind Londonist readers that there are eleven squillion insects for every human on Earth, and unless we want them to evolve a HiveMindOfDeath and take over the world, it is your moral duty to kill as many of the buggers (anyone read Ender's Game?) as you can. What's that buzzing noise in the distance? Why, it's the sound of the massed ranks of insect stormtroops as they march on London in a rainbow-carapaced tide of insatiable hunger. Only you can save mankind!

Although, after watching It's Christmas With Jonathan Ross (Thur 8pm BBC1) you may not want to save mankind; watching Katie Melua try to fill the gaping hole left by Kirsty MacColl may be hazardous to your mental health. It'd be like Chris Martin taking over the lead vocals in Nirvana. We shudder at the very thought. As an antidote, TV Troll highly recommends the Shameless Christmas Special (Thur 11.05pm C4) - it's the beautiful sparkly magic fairy atop a tree fashioned of stale turkey sandwiches and regurgitated wrapping paper and other such festive detritus.

We'll be back later this week with a quick overview of the festive weekend's best telly ... now get wrapping your presents!

Last Updated 20 December 2005