May 5th

By sizemore Last edited 165 months ago
May 5th

The PM spent a portion of this morning sitting in Buckingham Palace asking the Queen to dissolve Parliament, perhaps nibbling a Mr Kipling's Fondant Fancy (or if you're a fan of David Icke, dancing naked in the guts of small children and laughing about the success of their reptilian plot to do away with Princess Di). Either way, the important thing now is that the election is ON!

May 5th is the date to head out and vote, although Labour being the considerate souls that they are, may have already voted for you. Election rigging aside, it does look like a one horse race. Admittedly the horse is blind, half lame and being whipped by a lying two-faced jockey, but even dead on its feet it still looks like a safer bet than the alternative nags.

The BBC has put together a nice chart so you know exactly where each party is coming from, but we feel Londonist can go one better and guess at what may happen depending on which way you vote:

A Labour win: Voting Blair back into office is worth maybe two years of the same old smarm & spin before the PM regenerates into Gordon Brown, perhaps after falling from a huge satellite dish. New New Labour will then rise and become the most popular political party ever when Brown fills his Cabinet with past contestants from Big Brother and appoints Jamie Oliver as Deputy PM.

A Conservative win: Putting the Tories back into number ten will finally get rid of the gypsy mobs that for too long have been marching on Castle Howard with burning torches. The immigration problem will finally be solved by shooting anyone on sight who isn't reading The Daily Mail. Margaret Thatcher, rejuvenated after bathing in the blood of virgins mixed with Epsom bath salts, will reclaim her office and usher in a new dark age.

A Liberal Democrat win: After hearing the shock result Charles Kennedy goes on an overnight drunk and for the next six months has the same shocked expression on his face. Eventually the Lib Dems get tired of being constantly reminded to sit on the opposite side of the House of Commons and Kennedy gives back the keys of number ten to Blair, saying that he was "only having a laugh" and that "bigger boys made him do it".

Last Updated 05 April 2005