Stuff That The Crossrail Delay Has Totally Ruined

Will Noble
By Will Noble Last edited 23 months ago
Stuff That The Crossrail Delay Has Totally Ruined

You might have heard. Crossrail's launch is delayed. Not only does that mean we've got a painful, extended wait for faster, air-conned trains — there have been some detrimental knock-on effects. Here are five things that you've RUINED, Crossrail.

1. These specific Oyster card holders

Fat lot of good you lot are now

Oh, the childlike glee when we received out collection of promotional Oyster card wallets though the post. WOOLWICH, one shouted — some kind of brutalist cobble action searing away in the backdrop. WHITECHAPEL, bragged another — some kind of concrete nipples doing their thing behind the text. And if you turn them over: 'Opening December 2018'. Oh the thrill. Oh the LIES more like. We wonder if, even as Crossrail put tongue to adhesive envelope seal, some doubt was already simmering away in their minds. Anyway, we wouldn't be seen dead with one of these Oyster card wallets now. Chuck 'em.

2. Christmas

Same old Oxford Street lights, thanks to Crossrail. Image: Shutterstock

That's right, Crossrail has effectively cancelled Christmas. There was Oxford Street — raring to go with its special edition Crossrail illuminations (presumably purple coloured bulbs crafted into the shape of trains, roundels and Chris Grayling). Then Crossrail goes and pulls the plug. Instead of 'ahhhh's, this years Oxford Street crowd will be full of 'Awwww... we saw these LAST year.' Think of the CHILDREN, Crossrail.

3. This book

On brand purple and gold cover? Check. Opening story titled 'Elizabeth'? Check. September launch date to pipe in the December Crossrail launch? Check. Editor's introduction to confirm all of the above? Check. Oh What The EFF Crossrail?! NOW you go and cancel on us. Editor Ann Bisell must be one unhappy bunny: do her a favour, and buy a copy of this great little tome anyway.

4. Being smug to non-Londoners

Taken moments before news of the Crossrail delay came in

You could hardly WAIT for your non-London friends, parents and assorted acquaintances to ask what was going on in your neck of the woods, could you? 'What London? Yah, just about to open Europe's largest infrastructure project actually.' 'What getting to the airport? Yah, it's about to become 30% quicker, and more air-conny actually.' You were smug. You were foolish. You will now pay for it in a thousand smirks from a thousand Mancunians, whose Metrolink has a 99.6% reliability rating.

5. Our Crossrail pub crawl

We like us a pub crawl. Especially when it involves transport. We've done everything from a DLR crawl to one of London's airports. We were all set to do a Crossrail crawl too (Best. Christmas. Ever.) Now any such dream has been poured away like a sour pint of Doombar at a bad Wetherspoons. Tramlink pub crawl it is then.

Last Updated 24 October 2018