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Warning. This article contains acts of public transport atrocities.
Not so long ago we came across the above note on a 271 bus in Highgate on a Sunday morning. It was on the front seat of the top deck — our favourite spot — where we'd planned on popping our derriere, before catching a glimpse. It reads:
Someone was sick on this seat
We quickly retreated to the other end of the bus, away from the site of the crime. We were thankful we hadn't witnessed the event ourselves, but even the polite aftermath caused a sense of revulsion.
That led us to wondering. What's the most disgusting thing our readers have witnessed on public transport? We posted the above image on Instagram, and asked the question. And boy, did you deliver.*
Clipping toenails on the Central line
Blogger and tour guide Look Up London happened upon this monstrosity once: "I saw someone clipping their toenails once. Central line. WTF?" Multiple people replied, claiming to have also seen this. How many of these public toenail clippings go unreported? Consider us terrified.
Projectile vomiting at King's Cross
The commonest grim sight on public transport bears more resemblance to our experience: vomit.
Take a look at this horror story that one reader shared: "OMG, I was at King's Cross station as the Met Line pulled in. At the back of the train a group of people got off after someone projectile vomited over them. I still feel for those people to this day. They were just regular people minding their business (a family with young kids I think) and they got off the train and there was shouting."
They can consider themselves lucky. They were a bystander. Unlike this poor soul: "A man threw up on me on the Piccadilly line. At 8am. On a weekday. 👌"
Getting pissy on the night bus
And then there's the tale of the commuters locked in a train carriage with puke. "I got on a very empty tube carriage with a lot of other very surprised commuters. The doors closed and then we realised that the doors were absolutely plastered in vomit. We had a very unpleasant journey to the next station where we all tumbled back out again gasping for breath..."
Let's shift bodily-function-based-gears. Bye bye chun. Hello piss. Here's an epic tale — at least for Instagram comments — but the payoff is worth it.
A friend and I were on the night bus top deck to Colindale and she was busting for a pee. Being a very prim and proper lady she talked in hushed tones but I was less discrete and said let's jump off and you can piss behind a tree. It was then a loud gang of girls from Hemel Hempstead chimed in "DAN'T WARRY LUV JUST PISS ON THA FLOOR" which she felt needed a demonstration. So she hiked up her skirt and did the business which then sloshed around the bus for the rest of the trip. My friend made it home. She said "you know, I don't need to go anymore"
This next reader provides a gentle reminder that whatever awful things you witness, someone else has to clean them up. "I used to work in the Boris Busses as a Customer Assistant at the back of the open platform and part of my job was to clean up the busses during our route. And I saw everything from vomit, to hair snipping, to a whole bag of shopping being left on my bus".
Full nudity on Greater Anglia
Not everyone leaves physical evidence of their awfulness behind. Just mental scarring. "Once saw a fully naked guy on a Greater Anglia train".
From nudity the next logical place is naughtiness. "Guy with hands down trousers of lady friend. She winced at one point and said 'wotchit, you scratched me clit!'".
Not everyone has a partner for their tube-based inhibitions. "I think it’s a cross between clipping toenails, and a guy I saw asleep with a massive hard on who started rubbing it 😆 must have been a nice dream".
And finally let's leave you with this beauty. Words cannot do it justice. "A human turd curled up on the seat at 7am. But it was a Southern train so..."