5 Things That'll Happen When Thameslink Loses Its Franchise

Will Noble
By Will Noble Last edited 7 months ago
5 Things That'll Happen When Thameslink Loses Its Franchise

Looks like the writing's on the wall for Govia Thameslink — here are five things that'll surely happen when its franchise is finally snatched away.

1. The franchise goes to someone properly responsible. Like Virgin

Well, Virgin has almost certainly learned its lesson since it forfeited its East Coast franchise all those weeks ago. And if we're being honest, what Thameslink was really lacking (apart from, y'know, functioning trains) was kooky notices about flushing your ex's sweater down the loo.

Otherwise, as the new franchise owner, a pro-austerity government decides against removing and rebranding all the Govia Thameslink insignia. Instead, Michael Gove is appointed Transport Secretary on the proviso he tweaks his surname to stay on brand. Govia Thamelink 2.0 promises a vastly improved service, on account of ignoring advice from all those 'rail experts'.

2. Londoners realise they didn't actually want to get into the office on time

Nice one Kate. Now make one for your 36 colleagues as well

Let's for a second imagine that whoever's taken over from Govia Thameslink has actually done a good job. You're on time. First into the office. Well done you. Now you've got to open it up, turn on the lights, empty the dishwasher, answer any phone calls. Now make the coffee. For your colleagues too. And pick the Spotify playlist. Now, NOT #ThrowbackThursday, dumbo. Welcome to the 'On Time' club. Now go and fetch the effing post.

3. Passengers have to reacquaint themselves with the concept of time

For Thameslink veterans, clocks have increasingly appeared like something out of a Dali painting; time itself warped into perplexing symbolism. When the trains actually start running to schedule, Thameslinkers have to reacquaint themselves with the concept of time. And that there are these things called timetables, which you need to match up with time, in order to catch your train. What's a train? This is going to take some, er, time.

4.  Points of View enjoys a resurgence

The British public needs something to moan about. No longer able to vent their life frustrations on a Thameslink Twitter intern, Londoners redirect their ire towards the BBC. Points of View is restored to its salad days, fielding questions like: Why do they mumble in Poldark?' and 'Why don't we see Wogan on TV anymore?'.   

5. Passengers get what they asked for

Guess who's back?

'Make Thameslink Great Again!' they cried. 'Like the good old days!' You got it, says Thameslink's successor. The old timetables come back. As do the old trains. Passengers can once again enjoy the pasted on 'improving information' displays, four-car trains and comedy swinging doors. 'Ah, F**k, Thameslink used to be even shitter,' they realise en masse.

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Last Updated 06 July 2018

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