1. Stand at the bottom of an escalator...
... for ages and ages. Eventually someone will come up to you, and ask what gives. Tell them you're waiting to see the escalator run out.
2. Place your shoes in front of the empty seat next to you...
... if anyone tries to sit in the seat, scream "Watch it! You were about to park yourself on my invisible friend!"
3. Ride the District line to Ealing Broadway...
When told to alight, insist the tube driver take you all the way to Windsor. Just like the good old days.
4. Point blank refuse to accept that Theydon Bois exists.
5. Insist on reading every Jack Daniel's advert you see...
... out loud. In a really bad Tennessee accent. Wearing a stetson. And Jack Daniel's-esque facial bush. Then go to the nearest pub and order anything but a Jack Daniel's.
6. Wear trousers on No Trousers Day, you rebel, you
7. Sit between two people reading the Standard...
... and play reading tennis — one word over the shoulder of each person, back and forth like an ocular version of Wimbledon, until you pass out.
8. Sing the Byker Grove theme tune...
... while passing through Grange Hill on the Central line. It has the potential to confuse/irritate/attract the attention of kids' TV pedants.
9. Fight your way to get the back seat on the DLR...
... like we did.
10. Form a three-piece girl band...
...and call yourselves The Moquettes. Dress in Barman moquette dresses, and sing three-minute, harmonised pop ditties about how London's Underground system has the plushest bum furniture in the world.
Also read: 10 Really Stupid Things To Do On The Tube
