"I am going to stand my ground and fight. The things you two do just can't be right."
So said the Marquess of Queensbury to his son 'Bosie', on his affair with Oscar Wilde.
At least, these are the rhyming couplets uttered by the Marquess in the musical production of Oscar Wilde: The Musical — a show pelted with so many critical tomatoes that it lasted a grand total of one night.
The year was 2004. The theatre: The Shaw in King's Cross. The aspiring young playwright was *checks notes* Radio 1 disc jockey and pop-picking inspiration for Smashie and Nicey, Mike Read. Read was not a newbie to producing shows; at the time he'd just written a musical about Cliff Richard — and before that, an adaptation of A Midsummer Night's Dream called *checks notes again* Oh, Puck! On opening night of Oscar Wilde: The Musical, Cliff himself was in the audience. But this was to be no summer holiday.
Beset by sound problems, a creaky set and even creakier acting, it became apparent within seconds that Oscar Wilde: The Musical was unintentionally veering into Springtime for Hitler territory. "Read's direction is messy," wrote the Guardian, "with the principal actors carrying on as if they are in different musicals (they probably wish they were)." Other reviews joined the pile-on: "excruciating", "bilge", "over two hours of leaden dross", "a musical of exquisite awfulness". The Telegraph decreed it "a pitiful vanity project." The Times suggested that if Wilde himself had seen it, he would be "chewing his green carnation in dismay". It possibly didn't help that the whole thing was in rhyming couplets.
Matthew Sweet, writing for the Standard, had some of the most withering feedback: "In 1895, Oscar Wilde was sentenced to two years' hard labour. A more cruel and unusual punishment has been devised by Mike Read."
The show was in the gutter. And it was looking at zero stars. That's what the Guardian awarded the musical, as it reported: "As this grim evening continues, you begin to wonder whether the sound system is being affected by the hefty rumbling of Oscar Wilde turning in his grave."
Writing a successful stage show is no mean feat, even if the subject matter appears to be a surefire winner. London's West End has seen many-a flop in its time, including Lord of the Rings in 2007, and 2013's Spice Girls musical Viva Forever. But Oscar Wilde: The Musical has a special place in London's theatre history — featuring in the official Guinness World Records as the 'Shortest theatrical run of a musical in the West End'.
"I would like to think it might still be performed in 100 years' time," Read optimistically suggested before the show's ill-fated premiere. But when only five tickets were sold for the second show, it was clear that this wasn't to be. Still, you've got to hand it to Read, who kept on writing. In fact, he was was already working on another show: YMCA: The Musical. "Young man, pick yourself off the ground" indeed.
