Can we start by saying we love RuPaul. Anyone who's done as much for the LGBTQ world — and can dream up stinging zingers like "Impersonating Beyonce is not your destiny, child" — is a winner in our book.
You're A Winner, Baby happens to be the name of Ru's latest album — although his bouncing ode to living it up in the English capital by way of achingly obvious tourist attractions and endless cups of Rosy Lee might struggle to score any awards. For one thing, it's called 'London' — the first clue that about as much inventiveness has gone into this ditty as Robbie Turner's Cowardly Lion outfit in season 8 of Drag Race.
London is a turgid 90s trance track, featuring such a high dosage of vocoder, it could cause serious harm to Cher. But these are secondary problems behind the lyrics. At every twist and turn, the words to London make T-Swizzle's 2019 naive paean to rugger bois from Highgate sound like the fantastical musings of William Blake.
"Who says you can't have it all if that's your cup of tea?" wonders Ru, in a sunlit uplands soundbite you'd expect to be cranked out by Boris Johnson. "Big, Big Ben and the London Eye are watching over me," Ru continues, who has apparently Googled 'London', and written about the first two images that appear at the top of the page. He does get more ambitious... and fails miserably: "From Brixton down to Wem-ber-ley...". That's from Brixton DOWN to Wembley. Did someone put Fergie in charge of geographical accuracy?
From here, London basically melts into an over-produced football chant of "We're gonna take the Underground Un-Un-Underground. Take the Underground Un-Un-Underground..." At which point you realise... Oh god, this is a grower isn't it. I'm going to be chanting "Underground Un-Un-Underground" every time I get on at Oval, aren't I. This is Hey Sis, It's Christmas all over isn't it. TfL is going to snap this up as its new official anthem isn't it. Ru's done it again, hasn't he. This song is a cast iron, diamond encrusted masterpiece isn't it.
And with that, we sashay away.