What London Might Look Like If The Mayor Was A Plumber

Will Noble
By Will Noble Last edited 7 months ago
What London Might Look Like If The Mayor Was A Plumber

Since Charlie Mullins — the brains, Rod Stewart barnet and pin-stripe suit behind Pimlico Plumbers — threw his Mario cap into the ring as Mayor of London, we wonder what the city might look like under his reign.

Charlie Mullins: one of few men able to simultaneously channel both Rod Stewart and Paul McCartney

Mullins is a man who, in his own words, is "direct, opinionated, controversial, no-nonsense" — qualities he believes the incumbent mayor lacks. Mullins will Get. Things. Done. You know, things like pulling the plug on the Garden Bridge, introducing the unlimited hopper fare on buses, and making a concerted effort to double down on London pollution.

He is also a man whose "dislikes include meetings, negative attitudes and bankers" (his objection to negative attitudes apparently doesn't stretch to meetings and bankers). So we can expect the City and Canary Wharf suits to be exiled to the fringes of Havering, and the glass-bollock-of-a-meeting-room that is City Hall to be converted into an overblown orangery, leisure centre, or basically anything that isn't to do with meetings.

A Bazalgette on every street corner, that's the dream

Most importantly, Mullins is a plumber at heart. His arteries are lead pipes surging with the raw and rusty effluence of the Thames. In his mayoralty, then, we can expect a statue of Victorian sewer engineer Joseph Bazalgette on every street corner and gold plated taps issuing forth hot chocolate/London Pride/soft water in every single home.

The Water Works will also become the most valuable asset on the Monopoly board.

By Mullins' second term at City Hall, London will look almost exactly like this:

Click to enlarge

It's a tube map, Super Mario style, which we first covered in 2013. Little did Reddit user Natural Beats realise that on creating this pixelated masterpiece, he'd foreseen a London of the imminent future.

Last Updated 17 January 2018