An ill wind blows on Friday the 13th this July. It is the noxious guff of Air Force One, as it heads for London and the UK. Here are five ways we can give President Trump the welcome he deserves.
1. Take him on a tour of London's massive hands
How do you make a man with diddy paws even more insecure? Show off the many gigantic hands that populate London. From the Workers Memorial in Three Mills Green, to the splayed hand stanchions of King's Cross station, this lot has the potential to shrink Trump's ego to the alleged size of his penis. Go on Theresa May, do the right thing, and set this up.
We also predict that London's already-booming Trump street art scene will spike ahead of July. (A national shortage of tangerine orange spray paint is surely in the offing.) Maybe the Minister for the Arts can organize POTUS a whistle-stop tour of Shoreditch?
2. Stand outside the American Embassy, making appreciative noises
Trump has petulantly refused to attend the opening ceremony of the new American Embassy in Nine Elms, citing the fact that Obama sold the old one for "peanuts" and wasted waaaaay too much dollar on its replacement. (That despite the fact that George W Bush actually signed off the American Embassy.)
Reason I canceled my trip to London is that I am not a big fan of the Obama Administration having sold perhaps the best located and finest embassy in London for “peanuts,” only to build a new one in an off location for 1.2 billion dollars. Bad deal. Wanted me to cut ribbon-NO!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 12, 2018
Let's get a group down there, cooing over the architecture and saying what a bargain the whole thing is, and tweeting Obama to congratulate him on 'his' decision.
3. Wear a t-shirt with Sadiq Khan's face on it
Trump's not racist or anything — he just happens to have picked a fight with the first Muslim mayor of a major western capital. In Sadiq Khan, Trump sees everything he is not — grounded, competent, inclusive. Walking past a sea of Sadiq t-shirts will probably make his tiny eyes bleed.
4. Drive around in a gold vehicle
Though he gets to meet the Queen, Trump has been denied that much-coveted golden carriage ride down the Mall. Rub it in, by hailing one of those gold taxis — or bumming a lift in a gold super car. Drive around until you find Trump, then wind down the window, ask him if he needs a lift to the palace, then speed off.
5. Join the Trump rally
An obvious one, but the most realistic. Guardian columnist Owen Jones is organising a mass protest on 13 July in Whitehall — which, after just a few hours of the announcement Trump was visiting, had already racked up 37k Facebook attendees. This might just be one of London's biggest ever rallies; be a part of history.