While Londoners are often dismissed as acting aloof — lacking in the passion and PDAs more usually associated with some of our European neighbours — perhaps we're just a little more discreet. Because actually, Londoners are getting properly lusty at The London Eye, and London Zoo, in the Royal Albert Hall — and pretty much every iconic London landmark you can think of. Here are just a handful of the times you may have been only a few feet from reserved, stuffy, straight-laced Londoners getting f**king feral…
Entertaining the tourists on Tower Bridge
My wife and I had been for a lovely meal at The Butlers Wharf Chop House. It's near the river, and we were heading back towards the tube, across Tower Bridge. It was around 9pm on a gorgeous spring evening, and we stopped to look out over the river. Feeling a bit frisky, I put my hand inside my wife's coat and stroked her bottom. There were tourists all around us, but despite their proximity, I discreetly pulled up her dress, and slipped my fingers inside her knickers. We were hidden by her coat, but she gave me a look, that said: "I can't believe you're doing this!" She was half-smiling though, so I kept going, and I could see she was trying not to moan too loudly!
It was a quick and quiet fuck — it had to be, as there were Japanese tourists on either side of us!
Then she straightened herself up and turned around. I thought we'd finished, but she whispered, "fuck me." I couldn't see how we'd get away with it, but she's more inventive than me. She leant back against the parapet, and pulled me towards her as if we were having a hug. Then, with our coats providing the cover, we re-arranged our clothing enough for me slip myself inside her.
It was a quick and quiet fuck — it had to be, as there were Japanese tourists on either side of us! We stayed locked in our embrace while our pants soaked up what dribbled out! Then we had to put our bits away without being seen — which was harder than it had been to get them out in the first place!
I like to think we're accidentally immortalised in some Japanese holiday snaps somewhere, as the strange, breathless couple in an otherwise perfect picture of the London skyline from the River Thames.
Hands-free fun at Regent's Park Open Air Theatre
My girlfriend and I were at the open air theatre in Regent's Park — and I made her cum just by talking to her! We were watching A Midsummer Night's Dream and we'd started talking dirty in the interval, which got us both horny. When we sat back down for the second half, I continued describing this imaginary scene, which was turning her on massively. We were sitting in a quiet area, so no one was in earshot as I told her this fantasy tale about an authority figure catching us having sex in a park — then watching us and wanking himself off! Her breathing was shallow and she was squeezing her thighs together. When she came, she shuddered and gripped my hand, and sighed loudly. A few people glanced at us, but I'm not sure either of us cared.
We were watching A Midsummer Night's Dream and we'd started talking dirty in the interval
I couldn't believe she orgasmed, because my hands were only round her waist, and hers were on her lap, on top of her thighs. But she had a vivid imagination and got a thrill from being in public, and not getting caught — she was very highly sexed! Afterwards, she complained that her knickers were soaking wet and uncomfortable...
Licking the lettuce at the Houses of Parliament
My boyfriend went down on me by the Houses of Parliament. It was Millennium Eve and everyone was looking out for the River of Fire, a wall of fire that was meant to travel down the Thames at midnight. So no one noticed that my boyfriend was on his knees, with his head up my skirt. I'd started the evening in tights, but by 11.30pm we were wankered. So there I was in a mini skirt with bare legs and no knickers, standing there with deely boppers on my head, while he licked me.
No one noticed that my boyfriend was on his knees, with his head up my skirt.
Our relationship was fiery, but the sex was brilliant. I was 27 when I met him and I'd never cum from oral before, but he could bring me off in three minutes. He loved that he could do that — he wore it like a badge — so when I'd gone for a wee, I'd deliberately left my knickers off. Everyone was too ruined to care!
Reaching a crescendo at the Royal Albert Hall
I was at the Royal Albert Hall for the Proms, with a girl I'd met on Match. We were kissing, and the chemistry was incredible. It got more heated during the Sibelius, and she pulled my hand up her dress and put it inside her knickers. We were up in the gallery, in the sit-on-the floor-for-six-quid-seats — right at the end, in the restricted viewing area. Nobody sits there, so we were by ourselves, but anyone could have walked round — we were lucky that none of the stewards did!
It got more heated during the Sibelius, when she pulled my hand up her dress and put it inside her knickers.
When she came, she bit right through my shirt and into my shoulder – there was blood everywhere, but she was getting quite loud, so it was probably for the best! I gave her a lift home, and she decided to return the favour by going down on me in a traffic jam. Thank fuck it was dark. When I parked outside her house, she sat on my lap and I made her cum again, with her tits in my mouth, and her smacking her head against the roof of my Smart Car. This was all stone cold sober! She didn't invite me in though, and I drove home with a rather forlorn fading semi.
Feeling feral at London Zoo
I was at a corporate summer drinks do at London Zoo, with my girlfriend of about 18 months. After a few drinks, she started feeling horny. She told me she was going to the toilet to take her knickers off, and I was tasked with finding somewhere suitable for us to have sex.
We were in a function room, and the seats outside were all that looked remotely feasible. It was an evening do, so there were no kids around, and not many people had worked their way outside yet, so I sat on one of the seats, waiting. I wasn't sure we’d get away with it, but her skirt was long, so when she came back from the toilet, I said she should sit on my lap, and I'd unzip myself under her skirt.
I got cum on my beige chinos, which show wet stains very badly.
She sat on my erection, and wriggled subtly. It was frustrating because I couldn't get as deep as I'd want to - but that kept me hard for ages. The waiter came round, and we got a top up of champagne, while she was sat on my lap with me inside her! I'm sure he looked at us suspiciously, as we were both rather flushed, and must have looked pretty shifty. Other people came in and out from the function room, but when they saw us looking loved-up, they moved on. I think we put people off wandering outside! At the time, I didn't think we looked too odd, but you get lost in moments like that, and we may have looked more suspicious than we thought...
After a while, we both came from the sheer intensity. We had to stay there until it got quiet enough for me to zip up, then she ran to the loo with cum running down her leg to clean up... I was left with cum on my beige chinos, which show wet stains very badly. We decided to leave at that point.
Pants down in Parliament... almost
A friend of mine invited me for drinks at the Houses of Parliament, and I ended up on the lawn, rolling around with an extremely flirty MP’s aide, who I’d been chatting up in the bar. There'd been a lot of build-up over a bottle of wine — which led to her leading me outside to look for somewhere private.
We found this deserted grassy courtyard that was in the grounds of the Houses of Parliament, but hidden from the road.
We found this deserted grassy courtyard that was in the grounds of the Houses of Parliament, but hidden from the road, and far enough from the bar that no-one would find us. We had quite a fumble, but decided to hook up properly another night as I didn't want to get caught in Parliament with my underwear around my ankles! So we went back to the bar to find our friends, and I had some pretty severe grass stains on my suit afterwards...
Tower Bridge: tourist spot of temptation
It was Marathon Sunday and I'd gone down to watch with a girl I'd been dating for a few weeks. We'd started drinking fairly early, and spent most of the evening at the Dickens Inn, in St. Katherine's Dock. As we were making our way home via Tower Bridge, she decided it was a "sexy bridge" and said wouldn't it be good to have sex on it?! It was about 1am and there were lots of pillars to hide behind, so she leant over the edge, and after a few false starts, of her skirt going up, then back down, we got a clear spell and off we went!
She decided it was a "sexy bridge" and said wouldn't it be good to have sex on it?!
She was wearing a floaty summery dress, so it was easily lifted, and she pulled her knickers to one side. We were discreet — as much as you can be on Tower Bridge — but we stopped when we saw people walking towards us in the distance. I didn’t actually cum — it was more to do it on the bridge! It was a fun night though, and it was pretty hot at the time. We finished off when we got home.
Oral sex on the London Eye
I was on the London Eye with this girl I'd been seeing for a few months. It wasn't a serious relationship — more like friends with benefits. It was around three o'clock in the afternoon, and we'd been in a pod with other people, but there was some kind of mix up, and we ended up going round again... this time we were by ourselves. As we approached the top, we started kissing and having a cheeky feel. That's when she looked me in the eye, then knelt down, and unzipped me.
She was using her mouth and her tongue on the outside of my pants, then she took my dick out and the next thing I knew, she was choking! She'd been forcing her mouth down on me, as far as she could go. She was eager to please and wanted to get as much as she could in her mouth! I don't think anyone could see us, but as we started to move down, we were aware we had to bring it to an end. It was sexy because it was unexpected and spontaneous, so there was the thrill of it, like, "did we just do that?!"
I renewed my membership to the London Eye 135m High Club four years later when I was on a second date. We'd already slept together and she knew about the time I'd got a blowjob on the London Eye. She hadn't done much in the way of sex in public herself, and she wanted to try it — she was more comfortable doing it with me, because she knew I'd done it before.
As we got towards the top, I had my hand up her skirt, and that's when she took her knickers off...
So we planned it, and went on an afternoon when it was quiet — but we didn't know if we'd get a pod to ourselves or who we might be sharing it with, or how bold we'd feel! So it was like, "OK, we feel horny, but it's not the end of the world if we just enjoy the view and have a little kiss!"
As it happened, we got a pod to ourselves. We were kissing, and I was whispering, "you're naughty!" — that sort of dirty talk. She put her hand down my pants and got off on the fact that I couldn't hide how excited I was! She liked the idea that people might see us. As we got towards the top, I had my hand up her skirt, and that's when she took her knickers off, as a way of saying, "right here, right now!"
There wasn't time to go the whole hog, but she lay on the floor, and I went down on her. I don't think anyone saw us — the floor of the pod's not completely transparent — but when she came, I had to put my hand over her mouth because she was so noisy.
When we got home, we had crazy, heated sex, because we'd had that build-up and the thrill that we might get caught. She was horny because of what happened, and we had a connection from sharing that experience. We could recall it together, and even now it’s vivid!
Samantha Rea can be found tweeting here.