Comedian and toilet aficionado Olga Koch shares her four fave places to spend a penny (and more) around central London.
Public service excellence: Paddington Station
Paddington station truly totes the Goldilocks of train station bathrooms. The King's Cross one is too high. The Waterloo one is too low. Paddington's? Just right. Placed conveniently close to the platforms, the Tube entrance, and the the world's smallest Cafe Nero*, there's a lot to love about the Paddington public bathroom. The stall count alone; they're endless. There are so many stalls, in fact, they have a little digital counter outside the bathrooms telling you how many stalls are free. There are so many, it looks like a phone number. Outside the bathroom, there are trendy seats with movable tables for when your friends need to hotdesk while you take a deuce. Alternatively, there's a Pret directly next to the bathroom entrance for when you need that 99p filter to get the party started. Paddington station's toilets make me excited about the potential future of public services and proud to be a citizen of this great country.
*Citation needed
Dystopian luxury: Coal Drops Yard
Look, it's no secret that Coal Drops Yard is a fake public space. It sits comfortably in the uncanny valley between shopping mall, industrial park and boarding school in the Hunger Games. I wouldn't encourage you to shop there, unless you urgently needed something from a money-laundering concept store**. What's the concept? You're never gonna guess. It's jeans. However, what I would encourage you to do is use the Coal Drops Yard facilities. Within the King's Cross area, nothing beats dropping coal at the yard. The stall doors are heavy and soundproof, the hand dryers are powerful, and the wi-fi is free and fast. Sure, you might need to fill in a survey to get your scroll fix, but go ahead and give them your data. After all, you're already giving them your DNA.
**Citation definitely needed
Quick and easy: Soho Theatre
Maybe I'm biased, but nothing beats a bathroom break at Soho's most dynamic comedy and theatre venue. Soho Theatre is located perfectly at the heart of London's trendiest neighbourhood (you'll never guess which one). Walking distance from a large Pizza Express and an outlet selling penis-shaped waffles (greatest city in the world!), Soho Theatre opens early, closes late, and has enough stalls to make sure you're never gonna have to wait in line. I really back these toilets when it comes to efficiency because once you open the front door of the theatre, all you have to do is walk (or run!) in a straight line and you're golden. No need to promise the lovely bar staff that you'll buy a drink once you're out — they know why you're here. You're here because the penis waffle went straight through you and you're looking to vibrate to Soho's most vibrant venue. Let me tell you, I have blown the roof off of Soho Theatre a couple of times. And it wasn't at one of my shows.
Beware: Foyles on Charing Cross Road
I know it sounds tempting to use a bookshop toilet. There's something so classic and refined about it. You feel like Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail. Hell, all the tomes around you might even tempt you to bypass your phone and cosy up on the toilet with a good book instead. And by all accounts, the Foyles bathroom should be the ultimate piss palace. And it is... for all the wrong reasons. Call me old-fashioned, but a bookstore used to be a civilised place. But nothing makes me lose my faith in humanity quite like the Foyles bathroom. Located down a Kafka-esque corridor maze next to a cafe on a floor that doesn't have a number, you come in for the sliding toilet seats and you stay for the sticky floor (because your shoes are literally stuck to it). The irony of running out of toilet paper in a place selling neatly bound stacks of paper does not escape me and it surely does not escape the good people running the Foyles on Charing Cross Road. Avoid like a Gregg Wallace autobiography.
The critically-acclaimed Olga Koch Comes From Money is on at Soho Theatre until 21 December 2024.
Toilet opinions are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Londonist.
