With the news that a massive Universal theme park is opening in Bedfordshire, we've spitballed ideas for our own, entirely London-themed, theme park. We give you... Londonist World!
BLACK CAB DODGEMS: Classic fairground ride in which you zip about here, there and everywhere, trying to avoid Deliveroo and rickshaw-shaped dodgems, while telling anecdotes about a celeb you once had in the back of your dodgem. Before you can get on this ride, you'll need to spend three-to-four years mastering the Dodgem Knowledge.
HAUNTED HOUSE SHARE: Venture into a terrifying house share with creaking floors, walls slathered in black mould, and a selection of ghoulish housemates from hell. Just when you think you've got through the worst of it, a phantom landlords leaps out from behind his passive income, and raises your rent a blood-curdling 32%. Gulp.
'NOT DIAGON ALLEY': Life-sized replica of Cecil Court complete with aggressive signs from crotchety booksellers stating this place has absolutely jack shit to do with Harry Potter, thank you.
ESCALATOR OF DOOM: Simple but popular ride, in which you try to get to the top of an escalator that's moving downwards. Not a single Londoner doesn't want to do this.
INFLATABLE TOWER OF LONDON: Younger thrillseekers will love bouncing their way through a near-1,000 years of history on this fun, full-size blow-up version of the Tower. Highlights include the Yo, Man! Warders, a ball pool moat and the Anne Boleyn Alley, where heads are guaranteed to roll.
KENNINGTON LOOP-THE-LOOP: Version of the Northern line's infamous Kennington Loop, in which you ride an empty Tube train into a pitch black tunnel, before the train starts looping all over the place. You must initially be asleep to access this ride.
WIMBLEDON QUEUE: Relive the highs and lows (mostly lows) of lingering in the Wimbledon Queue, with this ultra realistic recreation featuring picnic blankets, flasks of tea, copies of the Observer and spontaneous outbreaks of 'Summer Holiday'. Ironically the queue to experience the Wimbledon Queue is incredibly short.
BANK STATION MAZE: A carbon copy of Bank station in the days before it was made slightly easier to navigate, feat. every dizzying twist, turn and busker. "You can touch in, but you can never touch out".
OVERPRICED REFRESHMENTS: For full authenticity, all Londonist World refreshments come at extortionate London prices, topped up with extortionate theme park prices. Now how many £35 slushies were you after?
THE LONDON EYE: A massive Ferris wheel with 32 enclosed pods (one for each borough) which spins around painfully slowly, and puts on a dazzling firework display, but only once a year? Hmm, on second thoughts, not sure how popular this one would be...
