February 2025 marks 40 years of everyone's favourite/least favourite Eeyorish soap opera, EastEnders. To mark the occasion we've worked exclusively with some of the soap's best scriptwriters* to write everyday London scenarios into an EastEnders cliffhanger. Doof doof drums at the ready...
SCENE 1. INT. QUEEN VIC-ESQUE PUB - EVENING
A barmaid pulls a pint, hands it to a regular.
BARMAID: There, you go love.
REGULAR: Lovely, cheers Sharon. How much is that?
BARMAID: That'll be eight pounds forty-five, ta.
REGULAR: You... wot?
Doof doof, etc.
SCENE 2. INT. TUBE STATION - DAY
Two Londoners run for a Tube train, but just miss it.
LONDONER 1: It's no good Tracey! We missed it. When's the next one due?
LONDONER 2 looks at the departures board, grimaces, remains shtum.
LONDONER 1: I SAID WHEN'S THE NEXT TUBE?!
LONDONER 2: It ain't for seven minutes, Ian.
Doof doof, etc.
SCENE 3. INT. BIG DEVELOPMENT MEETING - MORNING
DEVELOPER 1: We've done it! Planning permission for the tallest building in the City — 310 metres tall.
DEVELOPER 2: Yeah? Well I've just had anuvver building greenlit. It's 310.1 metres tall, and there ain't nuffink you can do about it.
DEVELOPER 3: [strolls in, with blueprints of a 310.2 metre-tall building]: Oh, is that right...
Doof doof, etc.
SCENE 4. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE LONDONER'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Two foxes having excruciatingly loud/shrill fox sex. A third fox strolls onto the scene, stops in its tracks.
FOX 1: Phil?... Sharon?!
FOX 2 and 3: Billy?!
A very loud/shrill fox bust-up ensues, keeping everyone in the neighbourhood up all night.
Doof doof, etc.
SCENE 5. EXT. OVERGROUND STATION - AFTERNOON
A passenger arrives at an Overground station. They pause. It's been rebranded as the Mildmay line.
PASSENGER: You ain't my Overground station!
MILDMAY LINE: YES I AM!
Doof doof, etc.
And finally, every Londoner checking their bank balance on the third weekend of the month...
*We haven't really. Clearly.
