Discount German supermarket/Lidl cover version Aldi has announced its intentions to take London by storm — opening 55 new branches inside the M25 by 2025. Here are all the ways it's going to change your life.
1. You spend 13 hours in your new local Aldi store on opening weekend...
...wandering around wide-eyed like Charlie in the Chocolate Factory, buying up all the cheap German chocolate in sight, and winding up looking like Alan Partridge in his Toblerone phase:
2. You accidentally buy a cellar's worth of quite good wine for £57...
...and have to start a Wednesday bookclub, just to get rid of it all. Damn you, £4.99 bottles of perfectly acceptable Spanish red.
3. You start cheating on Lidl...
...it started with the occasional after work visit to Aldi for a cheeky pint of milk, but soon you're crossing the street like you've never seen Lidl in your life, you heartless bastard.
4. You discover what a disposable income is...
...and open an ISA account, proudly saving up your first £13.72.
5. You name your first child Aldi...
...as it rockets to the top of the charts of Most Popular Baby Name in London, ahead of Olivia, Phoebe-Waller, Bercow and Tommy Shelby.
6. You stop going to Aldi...
...because you've spaffed all your money on Bramwell Pickle and Special B and steam mops — and you just want to taste Kellogg's corn flakes again and wash up the bowl with Fairy Liquid but mainly because Aldi has gone out of business, because it was never a good idea to open 55 stores in London that quickly.
