Everyone's favourite Bombardier 'n' sweat-lacquered racist, Nigel Farage, has suggested he'll run for Mayor of London in 2020. When he inevitably doesn't go through with it — sorry, triumphs — here are six things that'll happen.
1. The Elizabeth line is renamed the UKIP line
As much as 'Elizabeth' reflects the sovereignty that Farage holds so dear, the colour scheme IS purple, and it DOES seem a waste not to pair it with the resplendent nationalist purple of the beloved UKIP party. Farage ensures that every train is emblazoned with the Premier League logo. We mean the UKIP logo. UKIP definitely didn't steal the Premier League's logo.
2. Imported craft beer is outlawed in favour of good, honest, hardworking, dull British beer
For too long our good, hardworking, tepid, dull British beer has been blighted by wave after wave of foreign craft beers with their scary ABVs and frankly threatening 'character'. With Farage installed in City Hall, there's a blanket ban on such boozy impostors, while London's own craft breweries are only permitted to brew bland 3.5% bitters named after second world war aircraft. It's also compulsory for Londoners to prove they're British by sinking at least three pints of the stuff before bed every night.
3. Smoking is enforced everywhere
Once more the sacred scent of Mayfairs wafts through pub, tube, park and hospital. Not only is it a wholesome and delicious way to celebrate True British Londonship™, it's also effective in keeping the population in check. Anyone caught vaping is exiled to the Isle of Wight.
4. City Hall is relocated to Havering
Farage feels more comfortable in a Leave-voting borough, and opts to move City Hall to Havering, where 69.7% of the population voted for Brexit. Complications ensue when Farage discovers that 69.7% of Havering wants to leave London, and rejoin Essex.
5. Farage does lots of weird shit on the Thames
Buoyed by his 2016 Partidge-esque love-in on a boat with Kate Hooey, Farage decides to utilise the Thames for more headline-baiting campaigns: British Eels for British Rivers. Stop Foreign Seas Leeching Off British Rivers. Let's Move City Hall to Havering. That kind of shit.
6. Tube lines with even faintly foreign-sounding names are closed down
Au revoir, Theydon Bois. Auf wiedersehen, Swiss Cottage. Seeya, Canada Water.
Images: Shutterstock
