6 Things That'll Happen When The Eurostar Runs To Amsterdam

Will Noble
By Will Noble Last edited 43 months ago

Looks like this article is a bit old. Be aware that information may have changed since it was published.

6 Things That'll Happen When The Eurostar Runs To Amsterdam

Eurostar is running direct trains from St Pancras to Amsterdam Centraal. Here's what we think will happen as a result.

1. Londoners learn how to chill the hell out (a bit)

All well and good mate, but you're meant to be at an important meeting in Angel right now, and the MD has already given your last written warning

Can't put our finger on why, but something they're doing over there in Amsterdam — on their increasingly-frequent trips — is making Londoners a little mellower. Maybe it's the croquettes. Yeah, that'll be it. Speaking of which...

2. St Pancras gets one of those croquette vending machines

Horrible, delicious cigars of bad cheesy loveliness

It's not safe for someone to come straight off the croquettes, after a long weekend of binging on them. By law, those returning from Amsterdam will have to gradually wean themselves off the cheesy, hammy cigars of hellish delight, by going into croquette quarantine — and won't be able to make their onward journey until they're down to 20 a day.

3. Someone actually finds a £70 return

'Singles from £35' is the official line from Eurostar. But we'll be damned if we can ever find the cheap fares on their website. Someone clever dick will though — inevitably the same person who wins $2,500 on HQ Trivia and finds out they scored Centre Court seats in the Wimbledon ballot, in the very same week.

4. The old Euston station is rebuilt...

Want you back, want you back, want you back for good

...brick by brick. By the people who demolished it in the first place. Like they did with that pub in Kilburn. Because this whole Amsterdam thing outright confirms that St Pancras is awesome, and that its comely Victorian counterpart, Euston, should never have been bulldozed. And listen, suited-men- with-thick-rimmed-glasses-and-side-partings-from-the-1960s, we're sorry if you thought smashing up the Doric Arch like a bit of classical meringue, then dumping it in the Prescott Channel, was a good idea at the time. But we've now decided it definitely wasn't. So better start squeezing yourself into those waders...

5. The two Madame Tussauds loan waxworks to one another

Bagsy this guy

We'll take Rembrandt, William of Orange and and King Willem-Alexander off your hands, Amsterdam. You can have Boris, Theresa and that Zoella girl. Sound fair?

6. The route gets dubbed the 'Remoaner line'

Maybe a new life as a tulip farmer awaits

Disenfranchised English people start booking one-way tickets to Amsterdam, and trying to blend into the Dutch mise en scene (some misguidedly disguising themselves as gay policemen). Prime minister Jacob Rees-Mogg orders for the tunnel to be cemented up, but then TfL realises that taking the international route over is the only way they can balance their books. Amsterdam Centraal usurps Morden's position as the most southerly Northern line station.  

Last Updated 12 February 2018