If there's one website that's kept us consistently wet-snorting into our morning coffee, it's Angry People in Local Newspapers. Here, we count down possibly the 10 funniest London stories ever.
10. Man Shakes His Fist At The Skies In Impotent Rage At Planes Flying In And Out Of Heathrow
Because nothing quite gets a pilot's attention like furiously waving a bunch of fives at their Boeing from 10,000 vertical feet away. The gallery, in the This is Local London piece from 2013, includes some humdingers of our hero in the classic hands-clapped-over-ears pose (also employed variously for noisy neighbours, pneumatic drills, and children in restaurants).
The article doesn't make it entirely clear who our plane-hating crusader is — although we'll hazard a guess it's HACAN chairman John Stewart. Here's what they're up to now.
9. Dagenham Pensioner Gets Bin Day Wrong, Still Complains
Fact: without bin collection stories, and pictures of residents with their arms crossed in front of bins, there would basically be no local news. So the angry lady in this Barking and Dagenham Post story is upholding the values of independent journalism... even if she did possibly just put her bin out on the wrong day.
8. Fish Factory Fire Clothes Peg On The Nose Anger
Ah the old clothes peg on the nose. It is the waved fist/folded arms of the facial region. Here, it's employed to visualise the anger of a Rainham resident, whose house has the misfortune of being next to a burnt down fish factory, and the stench/millions of flies this has resulted in.
This angry article from Metro Includes the marvellous quote:
Some residents have got these flycatchers that are just full of the things and they look disgusting. I haven’t done that, I just bash them with a tea towel whenever they come in the house.
7. Elderly Dancer Reveals Crow Attack Horror
Last month, News Shopper revealed how blonde joggers in an Eltham Park were being terrorised by a crow.
Now 75-year-old great-grandmother Edna Lunt, of Nelgarde Road, Catford, has revealed how she was recently attacked by a bloodthirsty bird in her own garden.
That's right, now you need to read the whole story don't you. Here you go then.
Oh, and soon after this horror story, the crow came to peck at the door of the newspaper's offices. Freaky.
6. Empty Flats 'Have Cheese Growing In Them' Says Campaigner
Jean Willson is a cheesemonger. No, she doesn't make cheese, rather she is a scaremongerer when it comes to cheese.
"I pass by this block daily. It has cheese growing out of it," is the instantly classic line from this Islington Gazette piece about empty flats round the back of Pentonville Prison.
A moment of dairy related insanity, in an otherwise poignant article.
5. Local 'Character' Furious After Finding A Man Doneing A Poo In His Front Garden
A rather special one, this — it's been personally picked for us by APILN. Why?
Because the pictures are so ridiculous, and that the chap looks like my dad
Ain't that the cutest. Obviously, if you forget it's about a 40-something man in high-vis laying a turd in some bloke's front garden.
4. Animal Bumsex Anger
Forget crazed crows — here's an animal of a different kind. Animal PJs, that it. The picture really tells it all. Someone done some bad stitching on some pyjamas. One unhappy customer found out too late. Her boyfriend cried himself to death. Claims for a £10 gift voucher went ungranted.
A slight cheat, as this story is a Peterborough one. But it did first appear in Metro. And you get that in London. (And also how could we not include this story.)
3. Catford Fox Horror For Man On Toilet
What is it with Catford and psychotic animals? Hot on the tail of our Hitchcock-esque crow, comes this News Shopper story, about a bloke who was attacked while 'quietly going about his business' on the bog.
As a chase ensues, the local journo makes no bones about the grisly details of the ordeal, including the immortal line:
I didn't even have time to wipe myself.
2. Man Who Banged His Head Is On A Mission To Measure All The Road Signs In Wandsworth
Julian's story begins in September 2014, when he banged his head on a road sign in Wandsworth. Is Julian very tall? Yes. But that didn't stop a years-long-tape-measure-wielding-campaign against the council, which is raging to this day.
The original article contains a gallery of 17 photos of Julian measuring road signs. Hours of fun.
1. Squirrel House Fire Funeral Procession Man With A Gun Anger
Obviously the winner was going to be an animal one. So yeah, the title is the story in a nutshell (no pun intended). And if you think that's a great headline from APILN, how about this as an opening gambit from the 2013 article in the Romford Recorder:
A funeral car broke rank mid-procession and sped off toward its passenger's house – where a squirrel had started a fire.
Actually, the article in its entirety is storytelling gold, flecked with sparkling dialogue, such as:
"I said to the driver: 'I'm telling you, my house is on fire. Go left here.'
"The driver said: 'I can't go left – I'm in a funeral.'
"I said: 'Never mind that. Turn left.'"
We can't compete with this. Please accept this as our one month notice.
What's your fave Angry People in Local Newspapers London story? Indulge us in the comments.