So, now that Britain has detached itself democratically from the European Union, ideologically from the 21st century and momentarily from governance, here is a guide to any Europeans visiting the city of London. While London voted to remain overall, there are still 1.5 million who wished to leave, so…
1. Carry herbs and garnish at all times
With its rejection of European ideals, the country's cafés and restaurants may have had to lessen the flavour of their dishes to keep with the times. When ordering a 'crisp salad' one cannot be sure to expect Waldorf or Walker's.
2. Adopt a Scottish accent
This will create solidarity with London’s Remain voters and lessen awkward interactions with Leave voters who wish to keep the Scottish vaguely on side to prevent a border control situation every time they wish to visit Edinburgh Fringe (where, coincidentally, you can see my show Marcel Lucont’s Whine List August 3-28, at Pleasance Dome).
3. If someone offers you a 'Boris Bike' this is not a trap
Nor are they likely to be a thief. Of all the bicycles to steal in the capital, Monsieur Johnson’s is surely one of the most sweat-drenched there currently is, limiting its theft appeal. This is a rentable bicycle, funded by a Spanish-owned bank. However, if a man named Farage offers you a lift in a van, it may be best to decline.
4. Suggesting a game of football to any English persons may be an unpopular move
Even a casual kick-around outside Iceland supermarket. Perhaps stick to Wimbledon for the time being, although do avoid shouting "OUT!" every time the ball crosses the line.
5. Learn the following phrases...
"Keep Calm and Carry On… unless you’re a member of Britain First, in which case keep unjustifiably seething and carry on" / "No, I already have my own job" / "Corbynista" (technically Old English, used increasingly less with each passing hour)
6. Avoid the following phrases...
"Can I pay for that in Euros?" / "What is your returns policy?" / "If I don’t like it can I get a refund?"
7. Try not to get ill
Whatever you may have heard about a £350 million boost to Britain's National Health Service, this may not be the case. In fact I am told Britain's hospital workers have had to further extend their hours since an increase in Britons' brains exploding after typing "what is the EU?" into the internet the past few days.
8. Pack an umbrella for summer
This is nothing to do with Brexit, just sound advice. However, it can also be used as a weapon against football hooligans no longer able to practice their art in France.
Marcel Lucont’s book, What We French Think Of You British… And Where You Are Going Wrong is available from New Holland Publishers or via www.marcellucont.com
Marcel Lucont's Cabaret Fantastique is at London Wonderground, South Bank, 10 July
Marcel Lucont's Whine List is at Fontaine's, Stoke Newington, 16 July