Erm, OK. Morrissey is reported to be considering running for Mayor of London at the request of the Animal Welfare Society. He's got the money and the name recognition, so what could his policies be? And would his manifesto be published as a Penguin Classic?
Meat is Murder
The singer apparently posted this statement to a fan website:
There must be a governmental voice against the hellish and archaic social injustice allotted to animals in the United Kingdom simply because those animals do not speak English, otherwise millions of very caring citizens are greatly concerned about issues that no one is able to do anything about.
Kiss goodbye to the trend for meat-slathered foodie pop-ups, as London is heavily encouraged to become the world's first vegetarian capital.
Morrissey would direct the Met's attention to more serious offences, though criticisms would be made that such an approach could allow shoplifters of the world to unite and take over.
Current mayor Boris Johnson has overseen many innovations to London's transport network: cycle hire, tube upgrades, the cable car, overheated new Routemaster buses — though when it comes to the Garden Bridge, perhaps it would be better if Morrissey cancelled it. Boris started something he shouldn't finish.
There's panic on the streets of London about finding anywhere to live that doesn't require most of your wages and a kidney as downpayment. We should expect developers to start building rows of northern-style terraces for the new mayor to photographed moodily walking down.
Seriously though: novelty mayoral candidates? That joke isn't funny any more.
Image of the singer via Wikimedia Commons; background image by M@.