Make no mistake: this is the year of the overwrought cinematic mash-up, testing audiences to their absolute wits’ end, as ever more ludicrous combinations are dreamt up by over-excited marketing men who have decided that no-one needs actual ideas anymore.
This week sees Pride and Prejudice and Zombies positioned as the perfect Valentine’s Day date movie. Well, it has real heart, even if it has been plucked out with a pitchfork and left bleeding on a banquette in the ballroom. And if that's not enough, coming along next down the clogged up u-bends of the pipeline will be the distinctly kinky-looking Batman V Superman and, wait for it, Godzilla vs. Kong.
So if this is really the future of film, here are our pitches for the London-set smackdowns and team-ups we really hope they’ll make next...
The Wind in the Willows with Rabies
Danny Boyle directs this disturbing chiller in which Mr Toad rocks up in a deserted London only to then be set upon by red-eyed riverside creatures. Cheer as he decapitates Mole, honk as he eviscerates Ratty, and barf into your popcorn as he turns Badger’s skin into a fetching winter coat.
Dickens vs Shakespeare
The battle of the bearded baldies is ON. After a rogue timequake rips a new wormhole between Victorian and Elizabethan London, the two greatest word-wanglers of all time will go head to shiny head. It's the Tank of Bankside against the Bloomsbury Bomber as rethunk by Zack Snyder. Who will triumph? Why is this happening? When will it end?
Tin Pan Ally Avengers Assemble
A gaggle of dead pop stars are resurrected during an occult ceremony in a Korean barbecue in Denmark Street. Bowie, Hendrix, Lennon and Jagger (what do you mean he’s not dead yet?) will have to settle their musical differences and form a cohesive supergroup if they are to defeat their common enemy: Crossrail!
Ben Whishaw gives Daniel Craig a good hard seeing to, but when he comes back from making cocoa he finds bland-James-bland trussed up like a prize gimp inside a fetching Luis Vuitton manbag. Idris Elba is proposed as a replacement but Charlotte Rampling accidentally says racist things in French, leaving everyone involved without an Oscar.
This Is England 1984
Shane Meadows’ friendly neo-nationalists get locked in Room 101 and try to survive an eternity of rowing with each other by dropping as much ecstasy as they can get their hands on while listening to choons. A harrowing dystopian nightmare directed by Big Brother.
Sherlock Holmes and the Curse of the Hound of the Rising House Prices
Can Bendydick Cabbagepatch (Holmes) secure an affordable mortgage so he and faithful lackey Doctor Wat-else-is-on can settle down to giant crumpets by their electric gas fire without that tiresome landlady giving them grief? Or will he get gazumped yet again by Moriarty and have to retreat into the social housing bit of his Mind Palace?