It feels like only last week some pesky foreigner was blowing the ever-living shit out of our capital in Spectre but now there’s another one at it — hopefully this time he’s wearing his socks.
[Gravelly voice] Witness all hell break loose in this explosive new trailer for Die Harderer Try Hard Are You Hard For Jihad? a new product coming soon called London Has Fallen. Kaboom! There goes St Paul’s. Blammo! Vauxhall Bridge is toast. Snoof! (we ran out of onomatopoeias) Was that Westminster Abbey?
“Oh my God,” declares Morgan Freeman very rightly because in this documentary-realistic movie film picture, our only chance of not having any other landmarks blow up is over-enunciating Scotsman Gerard Butler. Zank! There goes another bridge — looks like Battersea. Guess it got battered, see? (wink, twinkle, stir anti-clockwise).
Butler plays someone, probably called Steve or Mike or something tough like that, who’s made out of “bourbon and poor choices,” he says, which will no doubt be hugely reassuring to the thousands of casualties he’ll have to help get to hospital. Not that we see those losers — far more important is the room full of high powered suits who’ll be sorting this goddamn mess out. Wapoof! Trafalgar Square just got smoked.
“An attack has decimated the Bridish capidal,” declares Bill O’Reilly on the news (well, it looks like him and no-one else would use the phrase British capital). No frickin’ shit Bill — we’re already pulling chunks of warm cement out of our hair!
Bring on Butler already — no question he’ll save the day with minimum surplus destruction. We saw him do it in the last one Olympus Has Fallen, which we’ve watched drunk about 17 times on Netflix (though never quite made it to the end of). So what if Washington got flattened in the process? This London place looks like it’s got too much goddamn history anyway.
Reassuringly, the plot this time round looks pretty much the same as before. As Oscar Wilde put it: “To lose the president once may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose him in the sequel looks like carelessness.”
Oh it turns out Butler’s character really is called Mike, Mike Banning. Doof! He messed up the line. Never mind move on, just get to the chopper.
Will he be able to save the Bridish capidal? We only have to wait until 4 March 2016 to find out. We’re rooting for you Banning, Mike Banning (yeah we got there together), now it’s time for a nap.