Randy Addicks And Reality Stars In The Londonist Football League

Chris Lockie
By Chris Lockie Last edited 79 months ago
Randy Addicks And Reality Stars In The Londonist Football League

Image by Paul Wright via the Londonist Flickr pool

When confronted with a Londonist Football League table that remains virtually identical month-on-month, what do you do? Give up, that’s what.

Yes we’re at what pundits have been calling ‘the business end of the season’ since mid-October, and we can probably call the winners already. So we will - well done Chelsea. Londonist’s in-house bookmakers are paying out months early, just like Fred Done back in 1998 because clearly nothing can go wrong there.

As a result the other 12 teams in the league are battling it out for bragging rights only, and thankfully a raft of well-timed London derbies have played out in February including the big one - Tottenham exposing Arsenal’s soft underbelly for tickling, with a Harry Kane-inspired triumph at the Lane. Kane instantly installed himself as England’s certain winner of the 2018 World Cup, at least as far as the papers are concerned, although the way they’re banging on about the tournament in Qatar you half expect teams to turn up there in three years while Russians scratch their heads in a bunch of empty stadia. Qatar is still seven years off but the press seems to have forgotten that in its mania.

Londonist Football League Table

Team Games played Goal difference Points Points per game
Chelsea 26 34 60 2.31
Arsenal 27 22 51 1.89
Brentford 34 9 58 1.71
Tottenham 26 5 44 1.69
West Ham 27 6 39 1.44
Wimbledon 33 0 45 1.36
Charlton 34 -6 42 1.24
Fulham 34 -12 39 1.15
Dag & Red 33 -9 37 1.12
Crystal Palace 27 -7 30 1.11
Leyton Orient 32 -5 35 1.09
Millwall 34 -23 31 0.91
QPR 26 -18 22 0.85

We had derbies coming out of our ears last month. Crystal Palace won at West Ham, Spurs drew at home with the Hammers, while Arsenal won at Palace. Millwall and Fulham played out an atrocity of a nil-nil draw, with just one single booking to liven things up. Charlton pumped Brentford, and pumped each other.

The Bees meanwhile decided a more than respectable top-half position in the Championship is the last thing they want and gave manager Mark Warburton a delayed heave-ho. Worried Brentford fans, however, would do well to take in this intriguing insight into their possible future.

More upheaval at long-suffering QPR as Harry Redknapp went for a routine knee scan at the local quack and somehow ended up unemployed. Absolutely unrelated to his team's dire showing in the league no doubt, and this was definitely intentional.

With no London derbies to get their teeth into, Leyton Orient have been focusing instead on their own off-field concerns. Hard-up footballers are having to go without foie gras washed down with unicorn milk as wages are being temporarily withheld. Yes, we feel as sorry for them as you do. Perhaps the potless Os are right to be pinning their very existence on the success of a future star found via a reality TV show. We have decided to withhold our skepticism for the moment, though we're not sure why.

Don’t worry, we haven’t forgotten the disciplinary table.

LFL disciplinary table

Team Yellow cards Yellows per game Red cards Discipline points per game
Tottenham 55 2.12 3 4.69
Arsenal 59 2.19 2 4.67
Leyton Orient 61 1.91 4 4.31
Millwall 64 1.88 4 4.24
QPR 51 1.96 2 4.23
Chelsea 46 1.77 3 4
Brentford 59 1.74 2 3.71
West Ham 46 1.7 2 3.7
Crystal Palace 41 1.52 4 3.63
Fulham 48 1.41 4 3.29
Dag & Red 46 1.39 2 3.03
Charlton 46 1.35 1 2.82
Wimbledon 42 1.27 2 2.79

The bad-tempered boys of north London are streaking ahead - their match alone included eight bookings. Charlton, as already established, are lovers not fighters but they're joined at the goody-two-shoes end by both League Two sides, with AFC Wimbledon lovely young men of the type you could bring home to mum. There is nothing at all to say about Dagenham & Redbridge in either of our tables, so here's a video of their finest hour instead.

So Chelsea have as good as sewn up the league, the south-east London constabulary is hunting a pair who have had the most fun at The Valley since Chris Duffy and Orient are hunting for the next Lionel Messi on the very, very cheap. Football's as mad as ever and there's very little anyone can do about it. Might as well just join in.

Last Updated 03 March 2015