Copywriters say the funniest things. Especially, it would appear, when they're writing about luxury accommodation in London. We've been trawling high-end property and hotel websites, fishing out some prime fillets of hyperbole, hogwash and downright horrible sales patter. Here's what we found.
Our translation for Pan Peninsula’s homepage copy: "Aloof moron looking for somewhere to live? You will like it here."
"Rising 500ft above a global financial district: a view that few will share and a heightened sense of being even less will experience. Look down on one of the world’s most powerful business centres. Look across the whole of London. Look up to no one."
Horny house, anyone? Domus Nova is flogging one.
"An unadulterated home of fierce seduction."
The Suites Collection, May Fair Hotel
We've seen some laissez-faire use of the word 'iconic' in our time, but never in reference to a BED. In that case, we'll have a paradigmatic lie-in with a seminal cup of tea at The Suites Collection, May Fair Hotel.
"From the sweeping 100ft balcony through to the iconic bed and integrated open fire, The May Fair's signature Penthouse Suite is a 200-square metre exercise in light, space and opulent style."
One Fine Stay, various
One Fine Stay is a glittering treasure trove of bonkers writing. In particular, the opener of this mangle of words for Naoroji Street reminded us of one of those cheesy voice-overs from The Price is Right announcing the holiday prize. Also — Telecom Tower? After trudging through this copy, we let out a long and breathy 'oh'.
"When you’re done feeding the birds in Trafalgar Square, why not return home to this lofty nest? Putting a long and breathy ‘oh’ into OMG, Naoroji Street is high-rise living at its most utterly spectacular. Sunshine pours in from the triple aspect floor-to-ceiling windows, and with it, a view that takes in nigh on every major London landmark; St Paul’s Cathedral, The London Eye, The Gherkin, The Telecom Tower, Canary Wharf…"
Wooster & Stock, various
Another property company which seems to have have swallowed a thesaurus, then vomited it up in no particular order, is Wooster & Stock. While a three-bedroom property on Strathleven Road has "whole heap of Je ne sais quoi" (yup, this unquantifiable quality apparently comes in heaps), another property in Friern Road comes replete with "friendly lemon walls". No amicable orange then?
The penthouses at NEO Bankside are being marketed with the aid of some strange old sentences. Like this one for Penthouse A1001:
"The treatment of the living areas plays on the idea of passing from day to night"
Penthouse A1002, meanwhile, has "imperious" windows. Bit scary.
And isn't a "marmoreal engineered marble bench" a marble bench made out of marble-like material? So is it marble or not? Answer us NEO Bankside!
Found some dodgy luxury sales talk? Share in the comments.