The Worst Luxury Accommodation Sales-Speak In London

Will Noble
By Will Noble Last edited 42 months ago
The Worst Luxury Accommodation Sales-Speak In London

Copywriters say the funniest things. Especially, it would appear, when they're writing about luxury accommodation in London. We've been trawling high-end property and hotel websites, fishing out some prime fillets of hyperbole, hogwash and downright horrible sales patter. Here's what we found.

The Pan Peninsula towers. Everyone who lives here is looking down on you. Photo by redsox_UK, in the Londonist Flickr pool.

Pan Peninsula

Our translation for Pan Peninsula’s homepage copy: "Aloof moron looking for somewhere to live? You will like it here."

"Rising 500ft above a global financial district: a view that few will share and a heightened sense of being even less will experience. Look down on one of the world’s most powerful business centres. Look across the whole of London. Look up to no one."

Domus Nova

Horny house, anyone? Domus Nova is flogging one.

"An unadulterated home of fierce seduction."

The Suites Collection, May Fair Hotel

We've seen some laissez-faire use of the word 'iconic' in our time, but never in reference to a BED. In that case, we'll have a paradigmatic lie-in with a seminal cup of tea at The Suites Collection, May Fair Hotel.

"From the sweeping 100ft balcony through to the iconic bed and integrated open fire, The May Fair's signature Penthouse Suite is a 200-square metre exercise in light, space and opulent style."

NEO Bankside in all its imperious glory. Photo by Andy Worthington, in the Londonist Flickr pool

One Fine Stay, various

One Fine Stay is a glittering treasure trove of bonkers writing. In particular, the opener of this mangle of words for Naoroji Street reminded us of one of those cheesy voice-overs from The Price is Right announcing the holiday prize. Also — Telecom Tower? After trudging through this copy, we let out a long and breathy 'oh'.

"When you’re done feeding the birds in Trafalgar Square, why not return home to this lofty nest? Putting a long and breathy ‘oh’ into OMG, Naoroji Street is high-rise living at its most utterly spectacular. Sunshine pours in from the triple aspect floor-to-ceiling windows, and with it, a view that takes in nigh on every major London landmark; St Paul’s Cathedral, The London Eye, The Gherkin, The Telecom Tower, Canary Wharf…"

Wooster & Stock, various

Another property company which seems to have have swallowed a thesaurus, then vomited it up in no particular order, is Wooster & Stock. While a three-bedroom property on Strathleven Road has "whole heap of Je ne sais quoi" (yup, this unquantifiable quality apparently comes in heaps), another property in Friern Road comes replete with "friendly lemon walls". No amicable orange then?

NEO Bankside

The penthouses at NEO Bankside are being marketed with the aid of some strange old sentences. Like this one for Penthouse A1001:

"The treatment of the living areas plays on the idea of passing from day to night"

Penthouse A1002, meanwhile, has "imperious" windows. Bit scary.

And isn't a "marmoreal engineered marble bench" a marble bench made out of marble-like material? So is it marble or not? Answer us NEO Bankside!

Found some dodgy luxury sales talk? Share in the comments.

Last Updated 26 November 2014

Lise Smith

even less will experience

I genuinely could not understand this sentence until I re-read it three times and realise they meant fewer, as in fewer people (and not less, as in maybe less of an experience or I don't know what).

David Long

I've already seen flats advertised as being 'just moments from' Nine Elms tube station....

unslugged

Someone should tell "One Fine Stay" that feeding the pigeons in Trafalgar Square has been a crime for at least a decade now.
Or, better, *don't* tell them. Just stand back and watch the idiots get arrested. And covered in pigeon droppings.
I'm letting out a long and breathy "oh" in my LOL. Probably. :-|

HoosierSands

Ah, Pan Peninsula. A couple of years ago, working on the Isle of Dogs, I noticed that one of the balconies was completely taken up with a load of boxes and a substantial amount of washing. I did wonder how many people were crammed into this "luxury apartment".

Leonie Thomas

As a built environment writer and marketer, I am constantly fighting against this kind of prose! Architects can be the worst offenders.

Phil Welch

So glad the May Fair Hotel has an "integrated open fire", or who knows what may have been set alight?

Faith

Didn't understand much I'm afraid :(

Maya

Brilliant!

Oliver

Great piece. City Road is full of such nonsense. My prize goes to Eagle Black for 'redefining decadence' - the latter word defined in Wiki as: "Decadence (originally meaning "decline") is a perceived decay in standards..."