Things To Do In London This Weekend: 15-16 March 2014

Bird's eye view of Acton Depot, by Ian Wylie

All weekend

CHILD CARE: London Early Years Foundation has organised a series of free family events in their nurseries to celebrate Science Week, running 14-23 March. The events are themed around growing and include both gardening and food activities. Check the whole schedule on their website. Free, until 23 March

TUBE PHOTOGRAPHY: Yangchen Lin has shunned the traditional underground shots of sweeping corridors and blazing roundels and instead focuses on more unusual subjects. See his exhibition in the Joe Strummer subway next to Edgware Road station. Free, just turn up, until 22 March

POSTCARD ART: 2,900 postcard artworks by over 1,100 artists are on display and available to buy at Royal College of Art Battersea, so you can get your hands on an original piece of art for a much more affordable price. Free, just turn up, until 21 March

AFFORDABLE ART: Speaking of wallet-friendly art, Affordable Art Fair returns with a weekend for art lovers, buyers, sellers and admirers. 110 galleries from around the world exhibit at Battersea Evolution in Battersea Park, with everything for sale priced between £40 and £4,000. £12/£10, prebook, 11am-6pm daily

BUS GEEKERY: A must for anyone with even a passing interest in London transport, London Transport Museum's Acton Depot Open Weekend allows the public to rootle around behind the scenes and at the Depot’s vast collection of over 400,000 road and rail objects. This time, there's a special focus on buses. £10/£8, prebook, 11am-5pm daily

HOME SHOW: Get some tips on how to give your home some zing (or 'pow' or 'zhoosh' or 'whatever') with lessons on interiors, garden, homeware and home technology at The Ideal Home Show at Earl's Court. £14 (weekend)/£12 (weekday), prebook, until 30 March

WATERCOLOUR: The Royal Watercolour Society hosts a weekend course at the National Maritime Museum, focusing on the experimental nature of watercolour and how it can best be used to create watery landscapes. £110, prebook, 10am-5pm both days

COMIC CON: The world of comics and graphic novels comes to London's ExCel Centre for London Super Comic Convention, featuring a load of international comic creators and comic book publishers to geek out with. Dress to impress. Tickets £18-£32, prebook, 10am-6pm

MUSIC FESTIVAL: The Shacklewell Arms in Dalston launch their new bi-monthly mini music festival this weekend to accompany the Shacklewell Art fair, zine fair and ale festival. £5-£8, prebook

VINTAGE CAR BOOT: A car boot sale with a vintage twist, Southbank Centre’s Classic Car Boot Sale has vintage clothing, accessories, household goods, memorabilia and vinyl records for anyone willing to rummage around in the boot of a vintage vehicle. There's a load of pop-up food stalls too. £4, just turn up

VINTAGE FAIR: More vintage is on offer at Farleigh Market, a new indoor market at Farleigh Place in Stoke Newington, with an array of traders offering goods from clothing to jewellery. Free, just turn up, 9am-7pm daily

Saturday 15 March

POETRY SHARING: Looking for poetry inspiration? The Poetry School's idea sharing festival is here to help, with lectures and workshops for poets of all levels to share and come up with new ideas. Tickets from £55, prebook, 10am-5.30pm

BEWITCHING POISON: Join a curator tour around The Royal College of Physician's Bewitching Poison exhibition, which explores 300 years of drinking history through art, satire and medical records. Free, prebook, 11.30am

LANGUAGE INTROS: Get a taster of the Spanish, German, Italian or Brazilian-Portuguese language at Conway Hall's introductory language classes. They're only £5 each. Prebook, from 11.30am

WOMEN'S WALK: Everyone is welcome to join this CoolTan Arts guided walk around the green spaces of Southwark and Lambeth, uncovering the stories of inspirational women who lived in the area. Meet outside the entrance of Maudsley Hospital, Denmark Hill. Donations welcome, just turn up, 11.45am-4pm

CIDER: Enjoy the first pressings of 2014 at The Queen of Hoxton with The Cider Box, as they host an afternoon session of cider tastings with accompanying food options. £15 (includes 1 dish from selection and 4 half pints of cider), prebook, midday-7pm

RECYCLED FASHION: Step into the world of swishing at St. Mary's Hall in Barnet. Bring along up to ten good quality items of clothing, and swap them for others.  Free, just turn up, 12.20pm

KNOW NOSES: Legend has it that if you see all the “Seven Noses of Soho” you will attain infinite wealth. Test the theory on this guided walk, where you'll learn about the creation of the noses and the myths surrounding them. 'Interesting' and 'nice' people also get discounted tickets. £10-£12+bf, prebook, 2-4pm

CITY TOUR: Join Occupy London on an alternative tour of the City of London, focusing on the Square mile’s role in the financial crisis of 2007/8. Free, prebook (spaces fill up fast), 2pm

CITY DASH: Fire Hazard create active games on the streets of London and today you can join its action-packed Citydash in aid of the mental health charity Mind. 20 checkpoints, 60 minutes, three friends to watch your back and four guards who are trying to stop you. Can you make it? £15, prebook, 2pm

SURPRISING SCIENCE: It's National Science and Engineering Week - find out about central London's Inventors, Doctors and Scientists on a walk with Laurence Scales starting from Great Portland Street station. The walk is aimed at the layperson, never fear. £10, prebook, 2.30-4.30pm

BURGER APPRECIATION: Burger fans seriously have something to get their teeth into with Burger Fest 2014 at Hackney Downs Studios as five of London's top traders (Wild Game Co., Honest Burger, Mother Flipper, Burger Craft and Street Kitchen) will be showing off their buns. £35, prebook, 3.30-11.30pm

FOODIE TOUR: Get a guided history tour of Soho's food and drink heritage with Westminster guide Joanna Moncrieff. Raucous 18th century parties? Private drinking club shenanigans? Yes please! £10+bf, prebook, 4pm

IRISH GIG: Bold Things and Hackney Irish Social Club celebrate the eve before St Patrick's Day by hosting a free night of music featuring soul, Irish traditional and folk music, ska, dub and afrobeat. Free, just turn up, 4pm-late

FOLK: New-wave folk band Perunika Trio play at The Conservatoire in Blackheath. £8, prebook, 7pm

LAUGHS FOR CHARITY: Big Belly Laugh presents a night of comedy at Hackney Picture House to raise funds for Samaritans Waltham Forest, featuring a line-up of award-winning comedians including: James Acaster, Angela Barnes, Tony Law and Mike Wozniak. £10/£8, prebook, 7.30pm

FILM: Artist and filmmaker Valie Export’s career spans five decades, and comprises numerous works of a controversial nature. A programme of short films at Institute of Contemporary Arts draws together a cross section of her moving image works produced between 1966 and the present. £5, prebook, 8pm

COMEDY: Comedy, on a boat, at The Boat Show Comedy Club. Held on a paddle steamer moored opposite the London Eye, tonight’s line-up features Nathan Caton, Romesh Ranganathan and Jeff Innocent. £15/£12.50, prebook, 8pm

LESBIAN PROM: London's first Lesbian Prom is at Scala in King's Cross, offering four floors of music, dancing, cabaret and the much-coveted crowning of the Prom King and Queen. £22, prebook, 9pm-5am

ELECTRONICA: Duo The Orb bring their electronic music to, fittingly, Electric Brixton for a live dance music all-nighter party. £16.80, prebook, 10pm-6am

CHEESY PATRICK: With a name like Club de Fromage, it should be no surprise that this Angel-based venue puts on wincingly cheesy club nights, but their St Patrick's Night party is a real cracker. Expect Jedward, B*witched, Boyzone, Westlife, a Riverdance competition and a meat pie raffle. Pass the chutney. £6.50-£10, prebook, 10.30pm-3.30am

MIDNIGHT OPERA: Pop-up Opera bring Bizet's Le Doctuer Miracle to The Electric Cinema in Notting Hill for a special midnight performance. £30, prebook, 11.30pm

Sunday 16 March

ANTIQUES: Go rummaging for treasure or practise for your appearance on Bargain Hunt at Adams Antiques Fair in the Royal Horticultural Hall in Pimlico. Tickets £4 on the door, under 16s free, open 10am-4.30pm

MASK-MAKING: A family day at Ben Uri Gallery offers a mask-making arts and crafts session, with the opportunity to learn about the Jewish festival of Purim. Free, prebook, 10.30am-12.30pm

ROYALTY WALK: Footprints of London guide Stephen Benton offers a new walk around Westminster, looking at how the area became the administrative centre at the heart of the British Empire. £10/£7.50, prebook, 11am

LONDON TREASURES: Fine art and antiques auctioneer Bonhams is holding a Books, Atlases, Manuscripts and Photographs sale next week. The auction itself isn't until Wednesday, but today you can view the impressive lots, which includes such gems as one of the rare London Rocque maps. Free, just turn up, 11am-3pm

KARL MARX: It's Marx Memorial Sunday at Highgate Cemetery. An oration will be given over his grave in the East Cemetery by the Chair of the Marx Memorial Library at 2pm but you can visit the cemetery at any time on Sunday, entry is £4 and you get a map. If it looks a bit busy, take a tour of the wilder West Cemetery, which costs £12 but comes with a jolly good guide to show you round. Open 11am-4pm

LITTLE PRINTS: Kids can have a go at soft cut and collage block printmaking at the Royal Academy's Family Studio workshop. Free entry, drop in, 11am-2pm

BREAKFAST: We love a nice, slow, Sunday breakfast and Breakfast With Charles is offering just that, with the first of his 2014 brunch events at the Rooftop Cafe in London Bridge. Book to enjoy a six-course breakfast tasting menu, paired with wines and cocktails. £30, prebook, 11.30am

ST PATRICK'S DAY: The annual St Patrick's Day Parade is taking place around Trafalgar Square, with marching bands, floats, Irish dancing and stage performances by The Commitments, Riverdance and Once the Musical, plus a food market, children’s area, and comedy tent. We'll cheers to that. Free, just turn up (big crowds expected), midday-6pm

FAMILY BOOKS: We're used to pop-ups, but this one is slightly different. Create your own pop-up book with writer Linda Carey at this Keats House family day. Free, just turn up, 1-4pm

COMPOSER PORTRAIT: In the second of Lucy Parham's composer portraits, she explores how the colourful life of Franz Liszt took him from child prodigy to living legend. Part of the Sheaffer Sunday Matinee series at St John’s Smith Square. £20, prebook, 3pm

SPANISH FILM: It's the final installation of Arcola Theatre's weekly Spanish film screenings. It ends with Volver, starring Penelope Cruz. £5, prebook, 4pm

CHARITY DATING: Find love (maybe) and help a good cause (definitely). Hysteria Dalston is the location of a speed dating charity event, with proceeds raised going towards Global Brigades public health project. £5+bf, prebook, from 5pm

VAGINA BENEFIT: Based on playwright Eve Ensler's interviews with more than 200, The Vagina Monologues give a voice to experiences and feeling not often exposed in public. All profits from this performance, held at The Space, will be donated to the charities Tender and Refuge. £14, prebook, 6pm

ORCHESTRA: London Euphonia Orchestra aims to provide musicians with the opportunity to play a high standard of music within a friendly environment. They perform Haydn, Doppler and Beethoven at St Sepulchre without Newgate tonight. £10/£8, prebook, 7pm

Other good stuff

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Bill Chapman

I see the languages available at Conway Hall on Saturday don't include Esperanto. I am one of many people who for decades have argued quietly that support for Esperanto as a lingua franca could bring many benefits to the world.

If you're interested in learning this fascinating language on-line, take a look at http://www.lernu.net