The Beast of Bexley has been spotted again…
… this time carrying off a bloodied, wailing infant in its foul, be-slavered jaws.
Not really. But that would be really cool, wouldn't it? Or rather, no, that would be terrible and tragic and cause for sorrow. Is "be-slavered" a real word?
No one can say for sure who or what the Beast of Bexley is, but two facts are undisputed:
1.) it has been seen in the Bexley area
2.) it is a Beast
The Londonist Cryptozoology Team has been carefully charting the progress of the BoB (which is how we refer to it on all our official documents) for some time now. We hope to shoot the thing dead, stuff it, and then stick in the Natural History Museum with a Londonist.com brass plaque by it.
It seems probable that the BoB is a large predatory cat. We would like to imagine that he is a descendant of the mighty beasts brought over in Roman times to fight in the arena, entertaining the homesick colonists who were bored stiff by the Briton's solstice pantos. Of course, the BoB is probably just another panther that some idiot gangster had shipped over illegally – like in "Mean Streets" (1973) - and then it got loose one day, and what's the guy going to do, call the police? There's probably a whole community of big cats out there, forming their own support groups - "Kidnapped From Your Home Country By Yobs & Then Abandoned Anonymous".
As long as we're stuck with the BoB (or BoB's), and what with the Olympics on the horizon, the presence of predatory felines in Kent should be turned to the public advantage.
What's needed is some good spin.
For example, nobody wants to spend more than a weekend in a place that is home to the "Beast of Bexley". But a simple name change turns this bane of tourism into a MUST-SEE! We suggest any of the following worthy alternatives:
The Kitty of Kent
The Pussy of Preston Drive
Le Chat de Churchfield Wood
The Purrer of Purfleet
The Ocelot of Orpington
The Likeable Leopard of Lewisham
El Gato de Gravesend
and our favorite, so far:
The Meower of Meopham
We invite reader suggestions. Our intention is to submit the compiled list to the appropriate official animal naming authorities, as soon as people stop hanging up on us.
