The Final Incredible Truth

By sizemore Last edited 154 months ago
The Final Incredible Truth

We doubt that anyone is too surprised that Tony Blair needs a large crutch to support his bizarre decision making process, and fewer still were shocked that he decided to babble on about it now rather than say at the beginning of his leadership when it would have been political suicide. When you're approaching the last days in any job it's the perfect time to steal office supplies and start telling people what's really been on your mind for the last few years...

We here at Londonist don't even mind that he's now using his faith as a get-out-of-jail-free card as better men than him have been in hairier situations and also found themselves looking heavenwards. When Hunter S Thompson was out in the wilderness, under the impression that at any moment various vicious authorities were about to fall on him like a pack of timber wolves, he too turned to God - asking for at least a five hour head start:

"Which is not really a hell of a lot to ask, Lord, because the final incredible truth is that I am not guilty. All I did was take your gibberish seriously... and you see where it got me? My primitive Christian instincts have made me a criminal"

Poor Tony - like Hunter before him none of this was his fault. It was that crazy guy upstairs...

This is probably why the electorate doesn’t tend to vote for supernatural beings. They're a bastard to hold responsible for things, forever moving in mysterious ways and generally being a tad baffling. Real life human beings are better suited for the job as we can at least ask them questions and eventually get a reply no matter how incredulous (It was all my husband's fault and I'm dumping him anyway). So with Tony on his way out the door what does all this kafuffle over religion mean for his successor? Is it safe for Brown and Cameron to still ask for a little heavenly advice as long as they keep it a secret for as long as possible?

Well we think that that's probably ok, but what we would suggest is not to trust the same god as Tony. After all, that one does have a precedent for hanging people out to dry. Blair should have know better than to trust someone who let his own son get nailed onto a piece of wood. Plus the New Testament is a little like New Labour - all mouth and no trousers. At least you knew where you were with an Old Testament deity - fucked. So if we were about to lead the country into another unjust war and needed the backing of a mythological being we wouldn't go for any of that wishy washy 'turn the other cheek' crap. Where does that get you when faced with a rocket propelled grenade? No, what's needed is something a little more Old School. Any budding PM worth his salt who was considering a pre emptive strike or two would be a fool not to opt for a more tried and tested deity:

ODIN - The Vikings new a thing or two about regime change. It was their number four priority right after rape, pillage and burn. Plus having a god on your side who has a disability, like say only one eye, will allow you to maintain a PC image while still smiting the crap out of everyone.

ZEUS - A bit of a womaniser perhaps, but still a good guy to have on your side. And if things do get a little close in the exit polls he can always raise a Titan to destroy a constituency or two.

WONDER WOMAN - The great unwashed may well forget that Diana is a goddess, but you can't afford to. Going with the Amazon gets you the woman vote and the nerd vote once Joss Whedon's film comes out. Plus she's easy on the eye and has an invisible plane - handy for those illegal torture flights.

YOG-SOTHOTH - Although an outer god of the Cthulhu Mythos and technically stuck outside of our universe, the Dweller on the Threshold is still powerful enough to make grown men weep in terror and as such would be a much more effective means of getting intelligence than attaching electrodes to testicles.

SATAN - He famously gets no sympathy, but he has inspired whole generations of musicians from backwaters such as Birmingham to make some of the best music in the world. The only sticking point is that he may not want to tarnish his image by hanging around Westminster.

Last Updated 06 March 2006