With every night out comes a dilemma: do you try to make it through the night without visiting the loo, waiting for oh-so-sha-weeeet relief when you get home, or do you relieve yourself just before your journey home and pop the seal, risking further leakage before you reach safety?
The problem is that the correct tactic is subject to so many variables, and it's easy to get it wrong. And Justin Brown of Banstead got it horribly wrong. icSouthlondon's story doesn't tell us whether Brown has a partner who is less than impressed by the prospect of him drunkenly making his way into bed before attempting to wake up said partner for a pathetic attempt at sex, but for some reason he didn't bother going back home after a night out on the lash, instead making his way to the Wimbledon cop shop and asking if he could kip over at their place.
Brown "told police he had downed 12 pints of beer, some wine plus a half-bottle of vodka and some gin." The boys in blue, however, were far from impressed with this. They were probably a bit worried about the prospect of Brown vomitting all over their newly-installed Christmas tree, and quite frankly, they'd only just got rid of the smell of cat wee deposited by an errant pet, so they asked him to find some gutter instead. Brown wasn't having any of this, though, and decided that he'd threaten a bit of criminal damage in an effort to get himself arrested. In a moment of clarity, he ditched this strategy and simply asked to use the toilet instead.
Now, this is where the police might have been a bit unreasonable. Fair enough, a sober man is bad enough at aiming into the bowl so they probably didn't fancy clearing up after an incredibly drunk bloke, but they turned down his request. Unable to face the prospect of trying to use a loo on a train or in a McDonald's, Brown decided to relieve himself all over the the police station desk, earning himself 500 man points, his night in the cells and an appearance in court, where he was fined £100 and ordered to pay £70 costs. Suddenly 20p to use the bogs at Victoria seems like an absolute bargain.
We hope Brown will eschew the voluminous pints and stick to a wee dram from now on...