Well, he is. Like one of those overcoated codgers who inhabit Wetherspoons pubs and mutter into their lagers about things not being what they used to be. No shit, Grandpa. The only response to bitter misogynists like Mr Buerk is to ignore them, and certainly not to watch the television programmes they appear on (Don’t Get Me Started, Tue 7.15pm Five). Let’s turn our collective back, shall we? Good idea.
Make your dinner while Michael spouts off, and you ought to be in plenty of time to settle down in front of the goggle box at 8pm for The Curse Of Big Brother. Is there really a curse of Tutankhamunian proportions stalking the fame-seeking attention whores of Londonist’s favourite programme? While the mental image of previous housemates being chased by the angry jackal-headed shades of Egyptian gods, or maybe being visited with plagues of locusts while presenting a programme on the Telegraph Pole Information Channel (channel 1063 on cable), we’re guessing the "curse" is more on the lines of being unable to get into Chinawhite or to get a table at Nobu. Ah, the life of a minor – one might even say micro – celebrity is truly a hard one. We feel their pain. Stay on Five for CSI goodness afterwards – there’s Miami on at 9pm, then NY on at 10pm. We never knew there were so many inventive ways to kill someone, and we’re avidly taking notes.
Dilemma for tonight: Do you, as a good Londoner, watch Hollywood UK: Portrayals Of London (Mon 9pm BBC4), all about 60s London as seen by Polanski and Antonioni in Repulsion and Blow-Up, or do you follow Londonist favourite Charlie Brooker’s advice and try out Taxidermy: Stuff The World (Mon 9pm BBC2) instead? Londonist feels obligated to recommend the London-y one, but taxidermy has always held a strange fascination (indeed, one of Londonist’s friends used to live by the taxidermists shop on Cross Street in Islington). Oh come on, they pump formaldehyde into dead things! That’s spooky and, like, cool.
Another London-or-brainsugar? dilemma tonight: Motörhead: Live Fast, Die Old (Mon 11pm C4) is on at the same time as London’s Greatest Hits (Mon 11pm ITV1)? Lemmy from Motörhead is quite possibly the ‘ardest bastard ever to walk this earth (Londonist has read his autobiography, and please someone - maybe a taxidermist – explain to us how he isn’t dead yet) but the thought of finding out what Londoners who watch ITV think is our dear city’s Greatest Hit is appealing, too, even if we’re not entirely sure what connection some of the listed songs have with London (please use the Comments section to enlighten us, oh dear reader!).
It’s a good week for Londony broadcasting – ITV are showing the last in their series on How London Was Built (Tue 7.30 ITV1), and this week it’s about everyone’s favourite topic, our transport system. It’s the last in the series so catch it while you can. Later this week there’s The London Programme (Thur 7.30pm ITV1), which will focus on the "alarming increase in muggings and burglaries committed against wealthy Londoners in recent years". Sobering stuff, if you manage to suppress the unworthy thought that at least the rich can afford it a bit better than the rest of us. It’s like watching Shazza Osbourne on TV appealing for the return of her so-called "swimming pool ring", and we don’t think it was called that because it had mould growing in the corner and smelled of wee. Burglary is a horrible, awful thing, and muggers are scum, but it’s hard to drum up a lot of sympathy for a woman a) who is worth eleventy billion dollars and b) whose husband used to do a spot of breaking and entering himself. At least this gives us a seamless link to, yes, X Factor which has returned in triumph. Londonist fancies
the pert arse and lovely cheekbones ah, the raw talent and beautiful voice of Shane, an early favourite. Let’s hope he goes far so we can continue to ogle him um, enjoy more of his soulful, tuneful renditions of pop standards. Follow the news on Digital Spy and the official X Factor site.
A few odds and sods to finish with: Lost, Lost, Lost, Lost, Lost … (Wed 10pm C4) – we’re going to keep pimping it until we’re sure you’re all watching. Anyone out on Wednesday evenings without a damn good excuse ought to be rounded up and put into ‘happy camps’ for the terminally insane. Britters And K-Fed: Chaotic (Thur 10.30pm E4) is just as fascinatingly dreadful as we’d hoped. Bromwell High (Fri 11.20pm C4) is shaping up nicely. You owe it to your inner geek to watch Doctor Who Confidential: Dalek (Fri 9.45pm BBC3). We’d watch Bill Oddie present a programme about the rules of cricket, so the fact that he’s getting the chance to get excited about Killer Dinosaurs (we repeat: KILLER DINOSAURS!, Sun 8.30pm BBCOne) has us very very excited indeed. Best title of the week? Why, that would be Rum, Sodomy And The Lash (Sun 9pm C4), all about the history of the British Navy, how we used to rule the waves, all that jazz. Sounds like a bloody good night out to us, at any rate. With such a cornucopia of pixellated delights on offer, you have no excuse to complain about the sodding weather.