Big Brother: Vanessa's Out, Quelle Surprise

By Jo Last edited 162 months ago
Big Brother: Vanessa's Out, Quelle Surprise

Wow, Vanessa the biscuit-muncher from Croydon is turfed out after a mega-tense housemate vote, and this Londonist was lucky enough to see it in person at Elstree studios. (Thank you, Channel 4, for the rather wonderful salmon kebabs and the plentiful Pimm’s.) Davina was kind enough to sign autographs and banter with the polloi; she even managed to pull off the slightly odd executive shorts she was wearing. Only just, mind. But back to the action …

The look on Ant-knee’s fat fatuous loon-face when he realised he was safe from the public vote was enough to turn George Bush (back) to drink, or Nancy Reagan to crack cocaine; his very pores weep smugness. If he wins, then yea, verily will the end times be upon us, and may Big Brother have mercy on our souls. As for the others, Craig squealed, Kemal gasped, and Vanessa immediately burst into tears. Perhaps she knew what was in store, although anybody with even a single pair of braincells to rub together (so not Maxwell, Saskia or Jade, then) could tell she was as doomed as a Star Trek ensign in a red jumper on his first away mission. Or a soldier who pulls a tattered picture of his sweetheart out of his pocket just before a battle. Or [insert your own tired cliché here]. Let’s just leave it at doomed, shall we?

On with the bitching!

And lo, it came to pass that when Makosi and Vanessa went head-to-head in the housemates’ vote, it was Vanessa who was defeated, after what one has to admit was a pretty one-sided fight. Only Kemal, in a fetching red dressing gown, had the guts to fight the oily tide of house opinion to vote against his erstwhile bezzie mate, and good on him, too, for not wimping out, and sticking with his original nomination. What this will mean for house politics in the next few weeks is impossible to say. Looks like Big Brother is back on form again.

Vanessa has one of those voices that sound like they’ve been filtered through layers of mouldy cotton wool, as well as a distressing habit of smacking her lips to show she’s thinking very hard; despite that, it was impossible not to feel a touch of sympathy for her as she was booed down the stairs. No, really, hand on heart. Shame her hastily chosen eviction outfit was such a mess. You can take the girl out of Croydon …

A parting thought from a contributor to the wonderful Lowculture forums:

I am starting to think that Orlaith will never get evicted because all the people texting in her name will be spelling it wrong.

It would explain a lot. Now to develop a mobile phone virus that removes the word ‘Science’ from everyone's predictive text dictionaries. Science-tologists represent!

Last Updated 16 July 2005