5 Things We Learnt From Trump's Visit

Will Noble
By Will Noble Last edited 25 months ago
5 Things We Learnt From Trump's Visit

Storm Donald ploughed its way through the UK last week, leaving in its wake scenes of bemusement. It also prompted people to huddle together, and put on some of the finest peaceful protests London has ever seen. Here are five things we learned.

1. Londoners make awesome placards

"The Queen secretly thinks you're a twat." "You are a very very bad man Donald." "Mangled Apricot Hellbeast." London, you took to the marker pens and poster paints with gusto, to excel yourselves at anti-Trump placards. Well done for displaying our 'highest level of special' feeling towards him.

2. Trump Baby was a slight let down

Well, the much-anticipated Trump Baby DID fly from Parliament Square, and it DID generate headlines across the world. We've got to admit though, the Crowdfunder mock-ups of the World's Ugliest Balloon towering over the Houses of Parliament seem, in retrospect, overblown. Still, it was a bonus treat to see a Dirigible Donald mounting a lion in Trafalgar Square on Friday evening. And we feel we're going to be seeing a lot more of our over-inflated friend, as he embarks on his world tour.  

3. The Queen owns Trump like May never could

Checking her watch before the president and first lady arrived at Windsor, the Queen proved redoubtable when faced with an unenviable meeting. She went on to own Trump at handshakes (foiling his usual batshit attempts), and shoo him out of the way, when he bungled walking in a straight line. Prime Minister Theresa May, meanwhile, endured more nauseating hand-holding with Trump, before looking like she would physically throw up at a press conference, where he waxed lyrical on the merits of her nemesis.

4. He'll probably end up suing London

In fairness to Theresa May, she did subsequently go on TV, to openly ridicule Trump's advice to her: sue the European Union. Yup. SUE it. Sue it for WHAT, exactly, wasn't made clear, but then detail never was Trump's best friend. On the back of what he'll have seen from London and the rest of the UK, it wouldn't surprise us if he tried to sue the entire city of London. Starting with Sadiq Khan. Who the president despises. But definitely not because he's Muslim, OK.

5. A lot of people like Trump

For all the anti-Trump sentiment on our social channels, there was also a decent bit of support for the president. And fair enough — democracy innit. So just so you know, Trump protesters, some people think: you're childish. And embarrassing. And you should be utterly ashamed of yourselves. And you'd never do this sort of thing to the Queen. And you should get back to work instead of protesting. And hopefully you got sunstroke. And you're a bunch of pilchards. And you've RUINED the Special Relationship. Oh and you DEFINITELY didn't upset any Trump sympathisers, because they're genuinely not in the least bit bothered by any of this.    

Last Updated 16 July 2018