Here we go again. Donald Trump will visit the UK on a second state visit, probably later in 2025. Here's what to expect.
Not another one?!
Sigh. Yes. During his visit to the White House at the end of February 2025, British Prime Minister Keir Starmer presented Trump with a written invitation from King Charles III, to a second state visit to the UK, following his first in 2019. Trump said it was "beautiful", one of the three words he knows which is not charged with bile. The state visit will be unprecedented, in that US Presidents in their second term aren't usually given one.
How come Trump gets a second state visit then?
Put simply: the fate of the UK, Ukraine, Europe and humanity lies in the President's titchy hands. Historically (i.e. up until January 2025) there was something called the 'special relationship' between the UK and US. The best way to even attempt to appeal to Trump's better nature (not that he has any) — and to salvage some scintilla of the relationship — is to make him feel like the king that he is genuinely starting to believe he is. This will involve a lot of bowing and scraping, even from our own Royal Family.
What actually happens on a state visit?
It's a few days of full-fat pomp and pageantry. Trump will be greeted, wined and dined by members of the Royal Family. There'll likely be a guard of honour, a carriage procession and a state banquet, among various other swish hobnobbery. Like a long weekend at Mar-a-Lago, but classy.
Do we need to reinflate the Trump Babies?
Absolutely. Although Vice President JD Vance has opined that freedom of speech in the UK is under attack, Londoners will be out in force, proving this statement to be the utter garbage it is, by protesting against Trump — and his boss Elon Musk, if the two haven't already had a lovers' tiff by then. The plaques are bound to be chef's kiss hilarious. And yes, we predict the return of those Trump Baby balloons too. In fact, it's now been more or less confirmed that — despite officially being a museum piece — the dirigible Don will once again take to the skies, abetted by an even bigger Trump balloon. We will, however, have to try not to offend Trump too much, because it'd be nice to still have a country by the time he leaves/doesn't leave office in 2029.
When will the state visit be?
The latest suggestion that the Trump's state visit could be in September 2025.
What other crazy ass shit could happen on the state visit?
In the upside-down universe in which we live, any of the below:
- "Joking" that he wants to buy Buckingham Palace, Trump then puts in a serious offer in the form of some Ukrainian minerals he's recently acquired.
- Trump lets out a massive burger fart over the top of the King's speech, then claims that the late Hugo Chavez did it.
- On a visit to the Churchill War Rooms, Trump mentions that Winston Churchill was a dictator, and he would never have let him start the Second World War.
- Nigel Farage slithers around in the background, pretending to be the British Prime Minister.
- Trump does one of those salutes that his associates are becoming fond of, from the Buckingham Palace balcony.
- Elon Musk joins the carriage procession in a Tesla (which then gets pelted with eggs because we can afford them in the UK).
We'll update this article as we get more info... if we can bear to.
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