Her Majesty

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Long-Lived, Our Noble Queen

Her Majesty The Queen is now the oldest monarch Britain has ever enjoyed. Hang on, that sounds pervy. Let’s try again. Queen Elizabeth II today becomes the oldest British monarch. That’s better. The AFP, taking no chances that she might die overnight, filed the story …

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Team Nice Gets Political

This weekend column is brought to you by the founders of Niceties Tokens, Liz and Pete of Team Nice. 26. Lazy or Incapable? It’s never been easy being a supporter of the England football team. The experience can best be summed up as a periodic …

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Sporting Weekend: Tudor Pull

We have to admit when we first saw this advertised we didn’t have much of an idea what to expect. Henry VIII certainly knew how to cut it with the ladies, but we reckoned that a re-enactment of His Majesty’s finest chat-up lines was unlikely, …

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London Pub Reviews

An astonishingly workaday title for a book that features a singing otter, flying dinosaurs and a sheet of electronic tissue paper. Welcome to the madcap world of Paul Ewen, a softly spoken New Zealander with a knack of finding trouble in public houses. It’s a …

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Olympic Success? Altius, Altius, Altius

Last time we looked at the Olympic motto there was some stuff in there about Fastest and Strongest, but apparently we’ve given those attributes too much attention in the past. Yesterday in Trafalgar Square saw the launch of “Sporting Giants”, a search fronted by five …

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The Prodigal Cat

Punky has come home. Six years ago, Punky the Cat walked out the flap of his New Malden home, saying “Just going up the top for a pack of fags,” and then vanished without a trace. Humans Maffelda and Bill Hay, under whose roof Punky …

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Reid Promises Prison Space For All

John Reid announced today that two more prisons will be built in order to house the ever growing number of bad people. Bad people have been running amok for some time now in the UK, some would say as a direct result of the lack …

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Clerical tError

Remember Noel Coward’s Mr Bridger? Not only did he run the prison, but managed to orchestrate The Italian Job. Then there was Grouty in Porridge who, despite what the screws thought, was running the prison from his comfy cell and set in motion the football …

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Alexandra, Our Queen

To The Editor Of “The Girl’s Own Paper” MY DEAR SIR, – The portrait of Her Majesty, which you have allowed me to see, and which is the frontispiece of the present part, is a charming one (the very best, but one, I have seen …

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Where to Hang the Queen?

That’s the question on the lips of all Royal watchers today as Rolf Harris unveiled his latest work of art – an “impressionistic” representation of an eighty year old woman* with illusions of grandeur. The good old Queen herself. And he’s rather proud of it …

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Fashion In The British Library (Shock)

The scientists who will be filling the British Library for their meat market Beautiful Minds Mingle will probably not be the most, um, fashion-conscious people in London. In fact, most people who enter the British Library probably aren’t in the running for any best-dressed awards. …