And here’s a Google satellite view of the area, so you can compare:

She also painted Elephant and Castle in pachydermal colours, with red elements to represent busses.

This one’s a bit harder to work out. If you look to the red shape in the bottom left, that’s E&C roundabout. Here’s a map to compare:

M’s work can be viewed on Saatchi Online and Facebook.

• Prepare for much jollity in SW3 today, as Chelsea win the European Champions League…
• Happy days too for West Ham fans as their team climbs back into the Premier League.
• Brick Lane protesters fight to save Roa’s crane from extinction.
• ‘Special’ PC convicted for racism.
• Blackfriars Station gets two new platforms.
• Seems HM the Q likes to have rockers on the roof.
• London has seen two apparent police suicides in the last week or so.

Watching the Game, by in8vision via the Londonist Flickr locker room.

The festival is not just about theatre and new writing, there are also spoken word nights, literary tours and, to welcome in this weekend, a night of music. After the final curtain call the seductively entitled Afterdark section of the festival grooves into action. Whether it’s motown or old school funk that gets your feet tapping, DJ Mickey Smith – or ‘Jazzheadchronic’ to his mates – will be transforming the bar into a dance floor. So make sure there ain’t no mountain high enough to keep you and your dancing shoes from this brilliant, free event.

The bar is excellent and will be buzzing with post show punters. Even if you haven’t seen the two shows on that night you can still enjoy a bit of new writing. As part of the festival the public have been asked to write their own 100 word play meaning the space is adorned with hundreds of different stories. Beer mats, toilet doors, hanging from the ceiling: everywhere you look there’s a new story to read. Anyone can enter so why not scribble out your own 100 word masterpiece and send it in?

By Simon Anderson

Music in the Bar is on Friday 16 March at the Royal Court, Sloane Square from 10.15pm. Find out more about the Young Writers Festival 2012 running till 14 April.

Photo by violinconcertono3 via the Londonist Flickrpool

The plaque to the Caribbean-born writer Jean Rhys (1890-1979) will be unveiled by her granddaughter at Paultons House, Paultons Square in Chelsea at about 3.30pm this afternoon. A second plaque, this one to the Anglo-Irish novelist Elizabeth Bowen (1899-1973), will be installed today at 2 Clarence Terrace, Regent’s Park.

Jean Rhys was born Ella Gwendoline Rees Williams in Dominica, the daughter of William Williams, a Welsh physician and Minna, a white Creole of Scottish descent. Schooled at Cambridge, Rhys retained her Caribbean accent despite numerous elocution lessons at the Academy of Dramatic Art, and it seemed she’d never really belong in cold, grey England. “Jean Rhys” was one of the stage names she used during her career as a chorus girl: she later adopted it as her nom de plume. Rhys lived at Flat 22 in Paultons House from 1936 to 1938, moving in just a year after it was built. It was here that she wrote Good Morning, Midnight (published in 1939), now considered one of her finest works. Apparently she wrote “not at her desk, but in the mornings while still in bed, which was strewn with papers.” We like the sound of that.

Elizabeth Bowen was from Dublin, but by 1921 had been introduced to London literary circles by novelist Rose Macaulay, after writing a number of short stories. In 1935, Bowen moved to London with her husband, who had secured a job at the BBC. At their grand house in Regent’s Park, Bowen entertained the literary elite of the day, and wrote her two finest novels: The Death of the Heart (1938) and The Heat of the Day (1949).

That’s a couple more plaques to be added to superb sites like London Remembers and Roy Reed’s London Blue Plaques Map.

Blue Plaque Pub Quiz Facts

• The London-wide blue plaques scheme has been running for 140 years
• The scheme was founded by the Royal Society of Arts in 1866
• The first plaque was to the poet, Lord Byron in 1867
• They used to be various colours — blue, brown, terracotta: the blue was standardised in 1940
• The blue plaque scheme was taken on by English Heritage in 1986
• Want to put up a commemorative plaque? Here’s all you need to know: www.english-heritage.org.uk/plaquesguidance

Photo by Helen Duffett via the Londonist flickrpool

• There were no handshakes at the QPR v. Chelsea match on Saturday. Something to do with that Terry chap.
• Doreen Lawrence reckons the Coalition isn’t working hard enough to combat racism.
• Arrests made in rather large South London drugs bust.
• Sun journalists, policeman, arrested in connection with the ongoing News International investigations.
• Fire at Pinewood Studios, damage minimal.
• Nick Clegg swings behind Brian Paddick. No fnaar moment intended.
• On how town planners are struggling to keep up with London’s baby boom.
• Pictures and report from Friday’s fuel poverty protest in Lewisham.

On the way to the match. Image by runningwithbulls.com

04/05/12 update: the club today confirmed that they have submitted a bid for the stadium.

Original:

With a stadium that’s on the small side and little room to improve, what’s a football club to do? In Chelsea’s case, the answer might be a move south of the river: they’re considering the option of building a new ground beside Battersea Power Station.

Chelsea have been exploring their property options for years, convinced that the limited facilities at Stamford Bridge are holding them back from a place in the upper echelon of European football’s elite. Any move would depend on the club’s ability to buy back shares in the Bridge owned by Chelsea Pitch Owners plc, formed in the early 1990s as a way of safeguarding the club’s financial viability, in the hand-to-mouth days when, for most supporters, ‘Russian investment’ meant stocking up on the vodka during a booze cruise.

The club retains an interest in new grounds at Earls Court and White City, but the opportunity to build an all-new facility, at an iconic riverside site, without a pre-existing local team to upset, is an enticing one. The club is favouring an area in the south-west of the site, for a stadium that would hold between 55,000 and 60,000 spectators. Battersea Power Station is set for a major £5.5 billion redevelopment, but there are concerns about whether the funds can be muddled together to make it happen. Having a major Premier League club as a stakeholder wouldn’t do the figures any harm.

Should they make the three-mile, cross-river move, the Battersea Blues (as the club almost certainly wouldn’t be re-christened) would lose their unique position as the only London club to have stayed put throughout their 106-year history. While fans might appreciate the club’s ambition, the departure from SW6, and conceding the west London bragging rights to Fulham and QPR, might rankle.

Photo / KeriBevan

See also:

Map of London’s moving football clubs

Scouting out a new Spurs striker? Photo / Andy Wilkes

Fully one quarter of the Premier League calls London home. But will the capital’s quintet of clubs be celebrating or sulking come May next year? Our thoughts:

Arsenal

Season previews for the Gunners have barely changed in half a decade. Predictions of their demise are hastily re-written when they top the League through November, but a winter crumble leaves them gasping and wheezing into fourth place. Seldom has this pattern changed since the scuttling of the ‘Invincibles’ side of 2004. After last season’s rapid melt-down, this summer was supposed to see Arsene Wenger fixed the squad’s main failings, namely the lack of a decent defence and the absence of dominant midfielders. Instead, he’s bought a tricksy forward from Lille and a winger from Southampton. The fiscal potency of Manchester City and the resurgence of Liverpool mean that finishing in the top four will be a tough call for Arsenal, one made even harder by the impending departure of arguably their two finest players in Cesc Fabregas and Samir Nasri. Wenger has three weeks left to use the money from those deals to address his side’s deficiencies. The fans know what needs to be done, but does Arsene?

Prediction: Fifth

Chelsea

What to make of new boss Andre Villas-Boas? There’s no way that he’s Jose, although the comparisons do stack up: young, good looking, Portuguese and freshly arrived from a Porto side that he took to glorious heights. If he can enjoy a fraction of the domestic success his countryman did, Villas-Boas will win over the Chelsea fanbase. Winning over Roman Abramovich may be more difficult. There remains the sensation that the only trophy that matters for the Blues’ owner is the European Cup, and all the English titles won’t mask that trophy’s absence from the Stamford Bridge cabinet. A key challenge this season will be massaging Fernando Torres’ fragile form back into life, lest the Spaniard go down in club lore as a second Andriy Shevchenko. Get him onto his 2007-2010 form, blood in a couple of the youngsters to replace ageing stars, and get Didier Drogba settled, then beating Manchester United to the title might be a possibility.

Prediction: Second

Fulham

While the rest of the league’s players were busy applying the Piz Buin to their bronzed bodies, Fulham’s squad were out scavenging away through the unfancied corners of Europe in their quest for a Europa League spot. Keeping their eyes focused on the Premier League whilst negotiating those tricky foreign fixtures is the key challenge for Fulham this year. Like their south-west London neighbours, the side welcomed a new manager over the summer, in this case Martin Jol, a man familiar with the capital after his two years at Tottenham. Fulham will be boosted by the return to full fitness of Bobby Zamora, absent for most of last season after a horrible leg break in August, and further goalscoring potency could come from Andrew Johnson, for whom this year might be his last chance to demonstrate the fine goalscoring form he showed at Everton and Crystal Palace.

Prediction: 10th

QPR

They’ll go down, naturally. Won’t they? It’s what everyone assumes. First time back in the top flight since 1996, with a squad that plays attractive, attacking football. Too naive, say the experts. They’ll take some big scalps but ultimately fall back to the Championship. Blackpool last year are the blueprint. Except. They have a manager, in what may be his last gig in football, with a point to prove at this level. They have Adel Taarabt (if they can hold onto him), a midfielder with bags of talent who, at 22, is primed to spark on the big stage. And they’ve got some fairly wealthy owners. If they can turn Loftus Road into a tiny but impregnable fortress, the Hoops’ season might not be over before it starts.

Prediction: Fourth from bottom

Tottenham

After the party, the hangover. Last season’s Champions League debuts saw Spurs taking it to the giants of European football, and produced some thrilling displays of attacking football. The domestic front was perhaps a little less attractive (though fans will dine out on the win at Emirates for years to come), and a 5th-place finish meant that a second year amidst the continent’s elite was denied. With the opening game of the season postponed due to the riots, Spurs have a little bit more time to contemplate one of the summer’s more tedious transfer sagas: the fate of Luka Modric, who has reacted coquettishly to the come-hither eyes (and wads of cash) fluttered in his direction by Chelsea. The midfielder aside, Tottenham are also looking bereft in the attacking department, with Robbie Keane and Jermain Defoe lacking bite and Roman Pavlyuchenko unfancied by Harry Redknapp. With the gaffer seemingly ready to take the England job after Euro 2012, there’s a danger that this could be a season of treading water: after last year’s delights, White Hart Lane ragulars are unlikely to be satisfied.

Prediction: Seventh

Photo by Andy Wilkes

Londonist asks that most pressing of daily concerns: where to go on your lunch break.

Following a refurb and the intro of new executive chef Maria Elia (ex Whitechapel Gallery Dining Room and Delfina), the restaurant and bar extension of the JOSEPH style empire is ready to impress and offers a brill option for casual dining in an upscale setting.

Lunch is a fab time to visit. Quail, broad beans, salt cod brandade and quail scotch egg (£9.75) is a starter worth craving. Ditto on main course of monkfish, cauliflower, pistachio, mint and preserved lemon cous cous (£18.25). And if you’re looking for a tasty dish for this supposed summer we’re having, strawberry and radicchio risotto (£11.75) offers the perfect accompaniment to a warm weather dine without leaving you bloating (or feeling like you paid too much for just a couple of lettuce leaves).

Not an inexpensive lunch but one served by a knowledgeable and friendly staff in a lovely and light setting in a sharp part of town – and the two courses for £15 or three for £17 set menu goes a long way to help make a snazzed up lunch more affordable. Great wine list too! Reservations are recommended but probably not necessary for lunch during the week.

Joe’s is located at 126 Draycott Avenue, SW3 3AH with two other locations in West London as well.

Photo/Chris Osburn

Disclaimer: Londonist visited Joe’s upon invitation of the restaurant.

Roman Abramovich has got his man: Chelsea have just announced the widely-expected signing of André Villas-Boas as their new manager.

A psychologist might have a lot to say about Mr. Abramovich’s latest charge, the sixth since he bought the club in 2003.  Villas-Boas is a young, charismatic, good-looking Portuguese, a precociously talented manager despite having no playing career, fresh from a successful season at Porto, and with a remuneration package rumoured to be the exact amount (€5 million per year) that a certain Special One trousered during his stint at the club.

Further complicating this quasi-Greek drama is the fact that Villas-Boas was once Mourinho’s protege, acting as a scout during the elder Portuguese’s time at Porto, Inter Milan and, yes, Chelsea. One might question who the Chelsea chairman really wanted to fill the void left by his hasty defenestration of Carlo Ancelotti last month.

Yet at the age of 33, Villas-Boas has enjoyed a remarkably steep rise in football management. In a single season at Porto he achieved a win ratio of 85%, bagging the League, the Cup, and the Super Cup in the process. His precocity might explain why Abramovich was happy to part with £13 million (or one-quarter of Fernando Torres) to tempt Villas-Boas toward Stamford Bridge.

How long he lasts under the famously exacting standards demanded by Mr. Abramovich rests on one question: how he performs in the Champions League. As Messrs Mourinho and Ancelotti discovered, domestic trophys are not enough. Wresting the Premier League trophy back from Manchester United would be a welcome achievement, but it’s in Europe that he will be judged.

For more on the new Chelsea gaffer, read the Daily Mail’s excellent profile.

Photo / Vladimir Maiorov

The plan will allow residents of the three boroughs access to 1m books and save £1m a year (but at the cost of 27 jobs). Culture Secretary Ed Vaizey says:

“Merging services across three boroughs is vastly preferable to library closures and I hope that other local authorities will come up with their own forward-looking plans for keeping libraries open.”

While the prospect of being able to get hold of a ton more books sounds brilliant for residents, we’re not so sure about the tri-borough’s claims to be “ensuring all of their 21 public libraries remain safe from closure”.

See, there are currently 24 libraries open in the area, and the PDF plans acknowledge (page 26) that three will close by the end of the year. A bit of Googling reveals these to be St James’s library (also: the building housing Old Marylebone library is currently up for let) in Westminster; in Hammersmith there are moves to transfer Baron’s Court and Sands End libraries to local schools, turning them into community centres, leaving the borough with just four publicly run facilities. Which doesn’t sound all that different to what’s happened in Lewisham, and there was outcry there.

Campaigners also claim Westminster library users will lose out because the council spends far more on services than its new friends (well, it would do; it’s got twice the libraries), and that sharing services will force it down to the new common level.

Photo by dusty sevens from the Londonist Flickr pool

As beautiful as the food may be, it’s rather hit or miss with respect to flavour. An unexpectedly dainty starter of grilled octopus (puy lentil ragout, chorizo and rocket cress, £8.50) proves the folks in the kitchen must know what they’re doing – the texture and slight char of the octopus wowed us – while a bland bowl of onion soup (caramelised onions, port, gruyere croutons, £6) suggests a cook’s nonchalance toward more ordinary nosh. Prawn tagliatelli (prawns, ribbons of vegetables with a dill butter sauce) doesn’t offend but barely deserves mention. And, Cornish crab ravioli (saffron, tomato and butter sauce, £15.50) sadly sounds better than it tastes – it was just missing something.

Puds (£7 each) are a bit more inspired. Mascarpone and amaretti mousse with coffee ice cream and espresso granite is as yummy as it is pretty, and rosemary roasted pineapple (rosemary panna cotta, vanilla vodka and crème fraîche sherbet) definitely impresses as it challenges the taste buds with its fruit and herb melange.

The wine list is fine. We found a bottle of Viognier Finca La Linda 2009 to add a bit of appreciated intrigue. If prices seem right and you’re in the area or staying at the hotel (the burgers and the fish and chips seemed popular choices for hotel guests dining while we were there), it’s worth keeping in mind. Based upon our experience, we can’t recommend the brasserie for destination dining. However, we should probably mention that we visited for an early evening meal; with the river and the boats, Sunday brunch might be a much nicer time for enjoying the setting.

Chelsea Riverside Brasserie is located at Wyndham Grand Chelsea Harbour, Chelsea Harbour, SW10 0XG. Find out more at www.wyndhamgrandlondon.co.uk.

Photo/Chris Osburn

Disclaimer: Londonist visited Chelsea Riverside Brasserie upon invitation by the restaurant.

Clean lines in a comfortable and modern setting deny any rustico leanings you might have come to expect from so many southern Italian restaurants in London, but the stuff on the plate and the aromas wafting up to your nose confirmed the Amalfi Coast roots of its owners. Keeping things elegant, simple and romantic, the place could easily have been a newbie eatery along said coast. Still, something about the ambience during our dine left us wondering.

There on a Friday night from roughly 8.15 to 10.45, Londonist and our guest were one of only three seatings. An observation we found strange given the quality of food and prompt friendly service. While the Gaucho next door and other nearby restos and bars teemed, we virtually had Venosi to ourselves. We supposed the word just hadn’t gotten out yet about Venosi’s spot on menu.

Calami fritti (£8.95) with a fabulous and home made tartar sauce were lightly breaded, had a nice texture and satisfied the craving that hit as soon as we saw them listed as a starter option. Insalata di arancia e capesante (seared scallops, fennel and Sicilian blood orange salad with Sicilian blood orange vinaigrette, £11.50) was equally agreeable, but we wouldn’t have complained if more fennel had been added. A main course of pappardelle al ragu di cinghiale (home made pasta ribbons with wild boar ragu and black truffle shavings, £18.50) didn’t necessarily beat us over the head with any sense of wow but made us feel quite chuffed to start the first night of the weekend eating such a delicious dish. Spaghetti alle vongole (spaghetti with fresh clams, white wine, garlic, chopped fresh tomato and parsley, £15.50) pleased as well while a bottle of light bodied La Versa, Pinot Noir White 2008 (Lombardia, £18.95) held its delicate ground with a peppery aftertaste throughout our meal.

Gelato di parmigiano and panna cotta allo cioccolato bianco e rosemarino (panna cotta with white chocolate and rosemary, £5.50 each) both intrigued and were well worth saving a bit of room for. And the “every lady will receive a free rose from Luigi” policy charmed our socks off with a bit of old school front-of-house-ery as we were graciously ciao-ed to the door.

Not really sure we’d make a special trip for a repeat, we’re confident in recommending Venosi to locals as one to regularly visit (or at least keep in mind as a solid standby) and will add it our list of top contenders for when back in the area.

Venosi is located at 87 Sloane Avenue, SW3 3DX. Visit the restaurant online at www.venosi.co.uk.

Photography/Chris Osburn

• 2.1 million adult entries into the London Dungeon — equivalent to the population of Vancouver, Kosovo or the Canary Islands. Although maybe they could negotiate a group discount.
• 1000 clean-ups after student protests
• 347.4 more years of Boris Johnson at his current salary
• 31.25 new Routemasters
• 29 years of service from commentator Andy Gray on his former Sky salary
• 28 years of New Year’s fireworks
• 2.6 AcelorMittal Orbits
• 2 cross-river cable cars
• 1 Damien Hirst crystal skull
• 1 royal wedding

And, of course, the lion’s share of funding cuts to any of London’s local councils.

Please add any further suggestions below.

• Old Spitalfields Market is the best (private) market in the country, according to the National Association of British Markets Association (sic).
• Plans for Greenwich’s cruise liner terminal have gotten the go-ahead.
• Waltham Forest has a shiny new (& expensive) youth violence project.
• Somebody called Torres wants to move to Chelsea. Apparently this is big football news.
• On how a little boy survived an intense fire by crawling under a kitchen table.

Some flowers. To brighten your day. By davemason via the Londonist pool.

Click on map for full version

The decision on whether Spurs or West Ham will move into the Olympic stadium may have been delayed for now, but whichever way the Olympic Park Legacy Committee rules, it remains likely that one of London’s historic clubs will be moving to Stratford in the next few years.

They won’t be the first to up sticks for a bigger and better home. London’s clubs are a nomadic bunch, as illustrated in our map, which shows every location that the capital’s 14 professional sides have called home. During the fledgling days of the Football League, clubs shifted and shunted themselves around more often than a gap-year backpacker. Many stayed in their immediate locale, often forced out by circumstance, while others made more dramatic moves: Arsenal dropped the ‘Woolwich’ from their name when they made the aspirational move from southeast London to Highbury in 1913. In contrast, during the 1980s and early 1990s, Charlton fans were forced to drag themselves to stadia far from their traditional manor.

A few interesting stats we turfed out during the research:

- Most nomadic club: QPR, who have amassed over 20 home grounds in their history (only some of them are represented on the map).

- Most sedentary club: Chelsea, who have remained at Stamford Bridge since they were founded in 1905. Dagenham & Redbridge have also had just one home, although the club was founded in 1992.

- Cross-river clubs: At some time in their history, Arsenal, Millwall, Fulham, and Charlton have based themselves on the other side of the Thames from which they were founded.

- Furthest travelled club: By our reckoning Charlton have travelled over 30 miles around east and south-east London. However, the biggest single journey was made by Arsenal.

- Everybody needs good neighbours: Crystal Palace have twice shared their Selhurst Park ground, with Charlton (1985 – 1991) and Wimbledon (1991 – 2002).

A quick note about the methodology: we’ve included London’s current fourteen professional teams (the thirteen Premier and Football League clubs plus AFC Wimbledon of the Conference) and also Wimbledon, who were moved out of London and renamed MK Dons in 2002. For each club we’ve traced the history, where possible, as far back as the amateur foundations. Though striving for accuracy, some of the locations represented are approximations; let us know if you think we’ve got anything wrong.

Here’s a gallery showing some of London’s old stadia:

See also:

The London buildings that can’t keep still… mapped

A map of London’s football supporters

Which London football teams are top of the Twitter league?

Click to enlarge

Gail Townsley sends us this delightful depiction of the District Line between Earl’s Court and Wimbledon. In her own words:

I used to live in Putney and travel [this] section of tube twice a day every day so feel I know it, and the places of interest around the stations, rather well! As a cartographer you might think I have a head start on drawing a map, but I was amazed at how difficult it is to draw a map by hand.  A digital map starts from the bottom and adds layers upwards from parks to water to roads to icons to text.  A hand drawn map has to start with the top layer and fill in the background detail afterwards.  Also there is no deleting or repositioning, or correction of spelling mistakes!

West London never looked so attractive.

Remember, the best entries in this series will be showcased in an exhibition at the Museum of London (in the main entrance foyer, and for up to six months!). If you fancy being part of that, get scribbling now. We’re looking for hand-drawn depictions of London neighbourhoods, or London as a whole. Feel free to pick unusual themes or styles and don’t worry if your artistry isn’t perfect – ideas and humour are just as important. Send any entries to tips – at – londonist.com by the end of next week.

Previously: Angel to Bankside, Borough of Southwark, Brixton as a tree, Central London, Hampstead Heath, Central London with no street names, Driver’s Mind Map, Fleet Valley, Hoxton Square, London as a grid, King’s Cross and Islington, Mayfair, Mayfair Squares, New Cross, Notting Hill, Paris versus London, Patchwork London, Pimlico, River Fleet, Rivers, Stoke Newington, Stratford, Toilets, Walthamstow by mother and daughter, Westminster kettling.

• Time to get the mittens out of the attic: London could get its first snowfall of the winter this Thursday.
• Spending cutbacks may force the Met to abandon Operation Trident.
• Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti dismisses rumours that he is going to quit the club. following three losses in four games.
• A woman is in a serious but stable condition in hospital after being rescued from Greenwich flat fire.
• Bishop apologises after predicting Wills – Kate marriage would last seven years. Appropriately enough, Rt Rev Pete Broadbent is in the Bishop of Willesden.
• “Women scared off Boris bikes” – shrieks the Standard after discovering that only a quarter of users are female.

Photo / kayodeok.

Fascinating Aida have been globally touring (albeit with different lineups) since Ben Elton was funny, picking up rave reviews wherever they go. When we heard that they were appearing at posh pizza parlour The Pheasantry fresh from their Edinburgh Fringe shows, we raced down there to see them on the opening night of their three week stint.

“Welcome to an evening of song and doughballs,” says founder member Dillie Keane with an Irish accent you could club baby seals with. It’s clear that these ladies of indeterminate age have kept up with modern life: their first song namechecks the Kindle, @StephenFry, Facebook, iPads, iPods, iPhones and even Bieber, which may have been a step too far for this largely middle-aged audience.

This is a gentle introduction to a band that generally considers sacred cows to be only so much pizza topping. A series of sung stanzas takes to task the likes of Tube strikes, Boris bikes, Jordan, Corden, Blair and Berlusconi. A highlight is an erudite dissection of banking and bankers (musically, unfortunately, rather than literally). Exceedingly brave for an intimate show in Chelsea, they find time to castigate via song those with a spare million in their back pocket who only attend the sexier charity galas (hunger and disaster, oh yes; Alzheimers, no thank you).

Away from contemporary fare, they happily discuss sex (yes, they’re Getting It), chastity (and how to overcome it) plus what to do with aged parents (clue: single ticket to Switzerland). The barnstorming final number is a riproaring evisceration of a cheap flight provider (no name, no pack-drill but the ladies all sing in an Irish accent) which has become a veritable YouTube hit (1.5 million views and counting).

If you’re interested in seeing a smart and satirical show by some lewd, rude and crude ladies, Fascinating Aida will be raging against the dying of the light for the next three weeks until October 23. The show is about 80 minutes long with an interval. Tickets are £25 each – more information and booking details here.

“Welcome to an evening of song and doughballs,” says founder member Dillie Keane with an Irish accent you could club baby seals with. It’s clear that these ladies of indeterminate age have kept up with modern life: their first song namechecks the Kindle, @StephenFry, Facebook, iPads, iPods, iPhones and even Bieber, which may have been a step too far for this largely middle-aged audience.

This is a gentle introduction to a band that generally considers sacred cows to be only so much pizza topping. A series of sung stanzas takes to task the likes of Tube strikes, Boris bikes, Jordan, Corden, Blair and Berlusconi. A highlight is an erudite dissection of banking and bankers (musically, unfortunately, rather than literally). Exceedingly brave for an intimate show in Chelsea, they find time to castigate via song those with a spare million in their back pocket who only attend the sexier charity galas (hunger and disaster, oh yes; Alzheimers, no thank you).

Away from contemporary fare, they happily discuss sex (yes, they’re Getting It), chastity (and how to overcome it) plus what to do with aged parents (clue: single ticket to Switzerland). The barnstorming final number is a riproaring evisceration of a cheap flight provider (no name, no pack-drill but the ladies all sing in an Irish accent) which has become a veritable YouTube hit (1.5 million views and counting).

If you’re interested in seeing a smart and satirical show by some lewd, rude and crude ladies, Fascinating Aida will be raging against the dying of the light for the next three weeks until October 23. The show is about 80 minutes long with an interval. Tickets are £25 each – more information and booking details here.

Described by its founders as a cross between a farmer’s market and a supermarket, Union Market opened up earlier this year in the former ticket hall of Fulham Broadway station.

The Grade II-listed hall, which was closed in 2003 and replaced by a hideous shopping centre-cum-entranceway, had a mercifully brief life as a branch of TGI Fridays before re-opening in its current guise this July. The focus is very much on traditional British foods, with the usual gamut of goods you’d find in any posh food shop worth its kosher salt: cheese from Neal’s Yard, cakes and breads from The Bread Factory, pasta from the Fresh Pasta Company, et al. Alongside a grocery selling the increasingly familiar blend of esoteric goods and traditional household larder-stockers, albeit mostly at a more inflated price than you’d get at Sainsbury’s, Union Market, for all the owners talk of being a “new and unique food retail proposition”, actually fits nicely into the niche carved out in recent years by Whole Foods and Planet Organic.

What sets it apart, of course, is the location: the ticket hall dates from 1905 and many of the original features are still in place. The main hall is well-lit by a glass atrium, and benches for dining inside are set alongside the old wood-paneleld ticket windows, which also feature a series of photographs of how the hall used to look. Perhaps the highlight is the wine area at the back, entered by passing through a pair of stone columns.

The look has been complemented by a refit which emphasises the rustic; anachronistic touches like blackboard, faux-period signage and vintage-inspired posters may seem a little hokey, but on the whole it gives Union Market a distinctive edge which may help as it tries to catch the attention of residents in one of London’s wealthier areas.

Union Market, 472 Fulham Road, beside Fulham Broadway station. Open seven days a week.

If your dad is the best thing since sliced bread, then you might want to consider a visit to Sloane Square’s Poilâne bakery which is offering a gift that’s a crust above the rest for Fathers’ Day. The French bakery will deliver a round of their traditional sourdough bread, complete with individual message, direct to your dad’s door for £25.10. The bread arrives in a large box; as you pull back the lid, the loaf makes an impressive sight with tumbling wheat sheaf decoration made from dough and a personalised message scrolled across the top. It might sound a little bit of an odd combination – dad and dough – but it’s a delicious way to make a gesture on father’s day. A traditional bread from Normandy in the North of France, the sourdough bread is made from stone-ground flour, sea salt from Guérande and baked in a wood-fired oven. You might also want to buy your dad a decent bread knife however, as Poilâne’s four pound loaves are enormous – and a sub-standard knife just won’t cut it.

by Lisa Harris

Gordon Ramsay bistro Foxtrot Oscar set on Royal Hospital Road itself is ideally suited if you are attending the event and may be a popular choice if you have shelled out a bit for the ticket given that one course and a drink (Pimms or G&T) from the special flower show menu is just £12.

A stroll away on Kings Road, Chutney Mary is offering jasmine and violet jellies and a Bombay rose bush martini to celebrate the show, whilst Bluebird will be serving up an intriguing sounding dish of lamb chops with chickweed and dandelion salad. Unsurprisingly, there’s no weeds at Artisan Du Chocolat on Sloane Street, just specially hand-crafted orchid & orange blossom bars available for £2.50.

Just a little further away on St. James Street, Avenue has gone a step further and created a whole floral menu including flowering herb risotto, elderflower sorbet and a cherry blossom parfait, whilst elsewhere in the capital, Cocomaya are eschewing icing on their cakes for a week in favour of petals, and Launceston Place are celebrating both the Chelsea Flower Show and the approaching English Wine Week by adding a dish of lavender set cream to their £48 set menu and serving it with English sparkling wine.

If you’re lucky enough to have tickets, there may still be time to get onto Ebay and have them fund a whole week’s worth of floral fine dining…

The original wobbly bridge, spanning the Thames between Battersea and Chelsea, closed today for maintenance work. The Albert Bridge will get a fresh road surface, a full paint job and some newly minted traffic lights while vehicles are diverted over nearby Chelsea and Battersea Bridges. The Albert has been the weakling of the Thames since its opening in 1873. The fey structure, with its pink pastels and fairy light illuminations is sometimes referred to as ‘the trembling old lady’. This 18-month closure is just the latest in a never-ending series of loinal regirdings. So vulnerable is the camp crossing that it still carries signs requesting soldiers to march out of step. Its very timbers are said to be deteriorating from the constant challenge of dog piss. Although closed to motorists, the pontic hiatus will not affect pedestrians and dismounted cyclists. Image / janeslondon.

The company, Cryos Denmark, is part of Cryos International, the world’s largest network of sperm donors. They say a common Anglo-Danish “shared history” (a whole lotta raping and pillaging back in the day, and women weren’t exactly queuing up for it) make their countrymen the ideal candidates to choke their chickens and help out London’s broody and saucepan-bereft.

The numbers of British men lining up in clinics with a Kleenex and a well-thumbed copy of Loaded have halved since 2005, when the right of donor anonymity was removed, so this injection of Danish, er, bacon (“pork”, surely? Ed.) is most welcome.