Things To Do This Weekend In London: 9-10 December 2017

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All weekend

Soak up the festive spirit (and lots of mulled alcoholic beverages) at this festive foodie extravaganza.

BBC GOOD FOOD'S FEAST: The Beeb may have scrapped its online recipe section but that hasn't stopped it throwing this massive festive foodie market. Fill up on artisan treats, pick up culinary tips and enjoy a twilight shop while carol singers do their thing. Hampton Court Palace, £15.90/£13.30, book ahead, 8-10 December

FEMALE FOUNDERS PRESENTS: Pick up sex toys alongside your silk pyjamas at this female-fronted Christmas market and spread the girl power by donating your entrance fee to Women for Women, a charity helping female survivors of war. Eccleston Yards (Belgravia), £5 donation, book ahead, 9-10 December

PORTOBELLO WINTER FESTIVAL: Swap traditional carol singing for steel pans and live calypso at this winter festival, where you can support local makers at the Made in London market. Portobello Road and Acklam Village, free, just turn up, 9-10 December

RENEGADE CRAFT FAIR: When generic toiletries and Christmas socks won't do, you should turn to Renegade for hand-made, one-off gifts that your loved ones will treasure (instead of handing them over to the charity shop). Old Truman Brewery, free, just turn up, 11am-6pm, 9-10 December

PECKHAM LEVELS LAUNCH: Find your inner chill at a morning mindfulness session, or drop into dance classes, tote bag printing workshops (£5, just turn up) and kids jewellery making across levels five and six of this former car park turned studios and event space. Peckham Levels, free, just turn up, 9-10 December

NIGHT PIRATES: This magical shadow puppet show performed on a big ol' boat will have young and old pirates alike hooked. The Golden Hinde, £5, book ahead, 9/10/17 December

ICE SKATING: London's ice rinks are now open for business, fancy a glide? Check out our guide to the best festive rinks or if you're on the lookout for other Christmassy things to do, then take a look at our Christmas in London page.

Saturday 9 December

Try not to eat your Battersea Power Station-style Gingerbread House.

CHILDREN'S LITERARY FESTIVAL: Fill your little one's heads with stories of Midnight Peacocks (10.30am) and enchanting advent calendars with magical powers (3pm) at this festival, which is sure to provide all the literary brain fodder a kid needs to feed their imagination. Kingston Library, free, book ahead, until 16 December

HERITAGE CRAFT MARKET: Browse local arts and crafts at this market set in the beautiful surroundings of the Crystal Palace subway, which definitely isn't your typical urine-soaked passageway, honest! Crystal Palace Subway, free, just turn up, 11am-5pm

DIY ART MARKET: Print-fiends looking for stocking fillers can browse four floors of art prints, ceramics, zines, independent publications, risograph prints, lo-fi sculptures, jewellery, screen prints and artist books at this DIY market. Rich Mix (Shoreditch), free, just turn up, 11am-6pm

CHOCOLATE YOGA CLASS: There's nothing like a chocolate binge to balance out all that stretching and straining into impossible positions. This yoga session is preceded by a raw, vegan chocolate-making class and finishes with a seasonal, festive lunch. The Yoga Space (Woolwich), £45, book ahead, 11.30pm-3.15pm

CITY CRITS: Gentrification and regeneration are buzz words of this generation but what would an alternative manifesto for affordable housing look like? Find out on these new walking tours of areas undergoing huge change. The first stop is Elephant and Castle. Faraday Memorial, £12, book ahead, 2pm

GINGERBREAD POWER STATION: Try your hand at creating your own gingerbread power station in this workshop with Heaps + Stacks. The result might not be as imposing as the original but it'll sure taste good. Grosvenor Arch (Battersea Power Station), £15, book ahead, 1pm-2.30pm and 3pm-4.30pm

SOCIAL BLOC CHRISTMAS: Feast on a delicious three-course dinner of slow cooked smoked turkey served up with sweet fried plantain and jollof rice at this West African-inspired Christmas knees-up, featuring a mulled wine reception, live band, a DJ afterparty. The Pillbox Kitchen (Bethnal Green), £31-£41, book ahead, 5pm-midnight

RA LATE: Expect optical illusions galore, 'readymade' sculpture workshops and talks on Freud at this Dali and Duchamp-inspired surrealist late hosted by Rrose Sélavy, Duchamp's female alter-ego. Wear your finest 1930s garb. Royal Academy of Arts, £35, book ahead, 6pm-11.45pm  

CANDLELIT CONCERT: If you're not a fan of classical music you will be after this atmospheric candlelit concert curated by talented violinists Harriet Mackenzie and Philippa Mo. As well as gems from the baroque repertoire, they'll be mixing things up with some Argentinian Tango. St Mary's Church (Rotherhithe), £14/£10/£8, book ahead, 7.45pm

SOUTH LONDON SOUL TRAIN: Former backing singer to Amy Winehouse, Zalon Thompson, is making his own soulful waves live at this multi-floor Christmas special, alongside DJs spinning everything from reggae and rocksteady to disco and funk. Bussey Building (Peckham), £14.60, book ahead, 10pm-5am

Sunday 10 December

You'll pass wharves, churches, livery halls, bridges and see where London's 'lost' rivers once joined the Thames on this Watery tour.

WATERY WALK: Let's hope the rain holds off for this water-themed walk along the Thames from Blackfriars to Tower Bridge. Blackfriars Bridge, £10-£12, book ahead, 11am-12.30pm

FESTIVE FOOD FAIR: Gawp at the farmyard animals, make a Christmas wreath (£4) from the hedgerows and fill your face with egg-nog and seasonal street food at this festive all dayer. Forty Hall Farm (Enfield), free, just turn up, 11am-4pm

FORAGING WALK: You might think nothing can be reaped from the frostbitten marshes at this time of year but John the Poacher knows otherwise. Join him on this foraging tour and warm up in his local pub afterwards. Aho Studio (Hackney Wick), £35, book ahead, 11am-4.30pm

FROCK ME VINTAGE FAIR: Hit up this market full of 1920s flapper dresses, costume jewellery and collectible dresses from the likes of Pucci, Yves Saint Laurent & Chanel to ensure you have a very vintage Christmas. Chelsea Town Hall, £4.65, book ahead, 11am-5.30pm

SATANIC FLEA MARKET: If the thought of eating another mince pie makes you sick, make your way to this anti-Christmas fair. Its stalls are full of satanic artefacts, witchy clothing and demonic handicrafts, perfect gift-hunting for the emo elf in your life. Bethnal Green Working Men's Club, £3, just turn up, noon-6pm

DOGS IN CHRISTMAS JUMPERS: The cutest thing you'll see all year is hundreds of jumper-wearing pooches posing for their photo. Bring your own four-legged pal to this pawesome world record attempt to gather the most dogs in Christmas knitwear, in aid of Save the Children. Pear Tree Cafe (Battersea Park), free, just turn up, 1pm-3pm

BREWERY OPEN DAY: Get your fill of seasonal specials and pick up a gift for the beer lover in your life (even if that beer lover is you) at this Brewery open day. The Park Brewery (Richmond), free, just turn up, 1pm-6pm

VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: The cast are taking a break from manning the 75 adorable puppets of the stage adaptation of this children's classic to entertain youngsters today with storytelling and workshops. Foyles Charing Cross, free, book ahead, 1pm-2pm

ARTIST'S FILM CLUB: Themes of ritual, migration and mythology are explored in this experimental short film selection, curated by Black Radical Imagination, a programme which aims to celebrate people of colour through cinema. The ICA, £6, book ahead, 5pm

CANDLELIT SCREENING: Warm your hands around a mulled wine and settle in for a candlelit screening of Frank Capra's classics tale It's a Wonderful Life, in aid of The Margins Project, a charity helping the homeless. Union Chapel, £12.50/£10/£6, book ahead, 6pm

CABARET FUNDRAISER: Have your tarot cards read at this fundraising event, before being mesmerised by a line up of carnivalesque queer, drag and burlesque acts curated by the Arcola Queer Collective. Arcola Theatre, various prices, book ahead, 7pm

Funzing

Fun things to do with our friends and sponsor Funzing.

The Harry Potter Christmas Tour


Get sorted into one of the four magical houses of Hogwarts, and go in exploration of the city’s famous filming locations on this 2-hour walking tour. You’ll meet your guide outside the Palace Theatre, where Harry Potter and the Cursed Child is showing, and set off on your journey across town - following in the footsteps of Deatheaters, visiting the inspiration for Knocturn Alley, and marvelling at the Ministry of Magic. And you better brush up on your Potter knowledge, because you can earn points for your house along the way, by taking part in trivia quizzes. The winners? You’ll find out when the tour ends at Platform 9 3/4… Get tickets

Unveil the Full Body Orgasm This Christmas


Become more connected to your body and learn how to express yourself sexually is this workshop open to both males and females. Fully clothed and without touch, you'll learn how to utilise ancient practices to build a strategy to experience a full-body orgasm whenever you feel like it. For more information and to get tickets: http://bit.ly/2uhTZ5U (sponsor) Get tickets

East London Food Tour


Feast on the tastes of the East End... Chomp on pie and mash from a restaurant that's been open since 1900, and visit Russell Brand's not-for-profit café. There are seven stops in the food and drink tour across Shoreditch and Hoxton, so you better come hungry! Get tickets

Psychology of Attraction


Sex & Relationship mentor Colin Richards will will explain how our early life influences effect our attractions to others and our subsequent sexual behaviours. Colin will also then show you how by adopting a new way of listening and communicating, you can go a long way to overcoming repeated behaviour patterns to achieve the relationship and sexual connection you really want. Get tickets