Looks like Heathrow might finally be getting a third runway. Here are six things that will absolutely definitely not-even-kidding happen, because of that.
1. Local west London newspaper coverage becomes 73% images of angry people waving their fists at low-flying planes
Oh, and covering their ears while looking to the heavens, too. And at least someone will chain themselves to a medieval pub. Angry People in Local Newspapers will have a ruddy field day. Field year, even. Heck, the runway won't open till 2026 — they'll have a field decade.
2. Boris Johnson is vanquished by a bulldozer
Well, the current Secretary of State has previously promised to "lie down in front of bulldozers" in order to foil Heathrow's third runway. And judging from past experience, it's highly unlikely he'll distance himself from the random toot that's rolled out of his gob, right?
3. Brexit Britain asphalt shortage causes delays
In 2020 it was the petrol. Then, in 2024, it was all the decent rioja. Now, as 2026 nears, Britain faces an asphalt crisis. They have to fly over fresh supplies of from the continent at premium cost. Via LUTON, for shame, cos Heathrow ain't got sufficient runway space.
4. They film some kind of Top Gear bollocks
David Schwimmer in a bubble car, racing Katie Hopkins on a bulldog in a Union Jack waistcoat, down the newly completed runway. Somewhere nearby, a heavily-scripted Richard Hammond attempts to jump-start a Ryanair jet. You know the kind of Top Gear bollocks they do.
5. Gatwick gets really, really sarcy
6. Heathrow says "Can I have a fourth runway? Pleeeeease"
Like a kid who you've just allowed to stay up till nine, and is now pushing its luck by asking to watch Family Guy. Just you wait.
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