A Whistlestop Tour Through Urban Dictionary's London

A Whistlestop Tour Through Urban Dictionary's London

If you've never looked up your area on Urban Dictionary before, you should try it — provided you have a sense of humour, aren't easily offended, and can turn a blind eye to all manner of spelling and grammar 'quirks'. We've gone one step further than that, by looking not at definitions of the areas themselves, but by other definitions the areas have spawned. It all makes for a terrifying and hilarious delve into the collective London psyche.

(Not quite ready for Urban Dictionary yet? Ease yourself in with our take on Reddit London).

Hackney Disco

Three or more police cars with their sirens on going past (happens a lot in Hackney, London.)

Mate, check the Hackney Disco. Somebody must of got murked.

See full entry. To be fair, this could be almost any part of London. Hackney seems reasonable enough though. Also we presume they meant have not of. Oh and if you don't know what murked means, check Urban Dictionary for that too.

Whitechapel Jetlag

A condition commonly suffered after excessive partying, named after London's most hedonistic district. The effect is reminiscent of the effects of long distance air travel, whereby your body no longer has any concept of what time of day or night it really is.

Cassie was struggling on Sunday. After Friday's drinks got a bit out of hand, she had a serious case of Whitechapel jetlag and still isn't completely sure what day it is.

See full entry. Definitely been there. Not sure we agree with the description of Whitechapel as 'London's most hedonistic district' though — the likes of Hackney, Shoreditch, Dalston, Clapham and Soho surely have the edge there?

Dalston Diamonds

Broken glass in the street, usually from broken car windows as a result of theft. Dalston is an area of Hackney, East London.

The street was shining with Dalston diamonds.

See full entry. Alliterative it may be, but Dalston and diamonds are two words we never expected to see together. Well played Urban Dictionary, well played.

Notting Hill In Laws

When your in-laws, or your significant others' family are some of the most dysfunctional people around but your partner/significant other is completely normal. Taken from the movie Notting Hill and based on the parents of Hugh Grant's character.

See full entry. There follows a convoluted script in which the person who wrote the definition seems to vying to write the lengthy (and dull) sequel to Notting Hill.

Nottinghillistic

Portmanteau of Notting Hill and nihilism. The belief that nothing outside a gentrified area such as Notting Hill has a real existence.

Caramel shop's clothes are nauseatingly aspirational and nottinghillistic.

See full entry. See also Sloane Ranger.

Camberwell Carrot

A joint made up of 12 papers that's about 18" long and filled with pure weed. The term comes from the cult classic film Withnail and I.

Danny: The joint I am about to roll requires a craftsman and can utilize up to twelve spliffs. It is called a Camberwell carrot.

Marwood: It's impossible to use 12 papers on one joint.

Danny: It is impossible to roll a camberwell carrot with anything less.

Withnail: Who says it's a Camberwell carrot.

Danny: I do. I invented it in Camberwell and it's shaped like a carrot.

See full entry. Ok, so this one wasn't invented by an Urban Dictionary user with too much time on their hands, but rather in 1987 film Withnail and I. Witness it in all its glory:

Waltham-Skin

The remains of a cigarette after it has been split open and its contents used to roll a joint (mainly cannabis).

i.e The filter and the bit of white paper that has been licked down one side.

Someone had to come up with a name for it, as it was potentially as incriminating as a pack of king size Rizla, or worse a joint butt, and worse still — your stash of hash!!

The memory of exactly how this came into existence is somewhat hazed, due to being very stoned at the time. Driving through Waltham-Stow in the back of a smokey white Ford Sierra circa 1991 - 1993 comes to mind.

See full entry. Lovely to see that this entry comes with the genesis of its creation.

Croydon Facelift

Derived from the actions of famous supermodel Kate Moss. The action of scraping your hair back so tightly into a pony tail and as a result, lifting the face.

You know girl, i got me a Croydon Face lift!

See full entry. It's the only one on this list that we'd heard before our whistle stop tour through Urban Dictionary's London. (See also Croydon pigroast, which, to be perfectly honest, raises more questions than it offers answers).

Enfield Pint

If someone is annoying you, you calmly down the drink you currently have, smash the edge of the glass and shove it into the person's face

That bitch is so annoying, I'm gonna Enfield pint her in a minute

See full entry. We don't think anyone's ever said this. Anywhere. Ever. But never let the truth get in the way of a good story, eh London?

Edmonton Handshake

Grasp large knife. Plunge said knife into someone's chest. You have now completed the "Edmonton handshake". Known as "stabbing" or "knifing" in less crime-ridden cities. Most often used for no apparent reason, likely on someone elderly, smaller than you, or someone with nicer clothes than you. Be especially careful of the Edmonton handshake after denying an Indian a cigarette.

Visitor: "What the hell, you just stabbed me!"

Edmontonian: "Fuck your innocence, and welcome to Edmonton!"

Paramedic: "Not another Edmonton handshake!"

See full entry. OK, this one is actually named after Edmonton in Canada, but is equally relevant in a London context. We'll stick to "stabbing" or "knifing", if it's all the same to you.

Wimbledong

When a member of the general public appears on the big screen during a tennis match at Wimbledon and acts like a total dong! An example of this would be flailing their arms about like a moron and mouthing "mum i'm on the telly!"

Dan: Oh what a spiffing...MUM, I'M ON THE TELLY!!!

Stacey: Oh Daniel...please compose youreself, you are acting like a total Wimbledong!

See full entry. This sleepy corner of London has actually inspired several Urban Dictionary entries. This is one of the more repeatable ones.

Dagenham Smile

Buttock cleavage exhibited by large people when wearing ill-fitting or inadequate trousers. Most commonly associated with workmen and labourers in the construction trade. Often referred to as a "brickie's arse" or "builder's bum".

When the plumber bent over to pick up his wrench my mum copped an eyeful of his dagenham smile.

See full entry. Ah, that one's a lot tamer than we expected.  Worse things have happened in Dagenham, we're sure.

What have we missed? Does your corner of London have its own Urban Dictionary entry? Have we inspired you to write your own? Let us know in the comments (keep it clean) — we may publish some of the best suggestions.

Last Updated 31 October 2017

Alan Spooner

"Hackney Bunting" is a common phrase round my way to describe the police tape used to surround crime scenes. I note Hackney has already been honoured with a mention above but the two surely go together.