While Crossrail is going to push house prices up across London, we wouldn't be surprised to see estate agents and developers squeeze that little extra out of buyers, by rebranding some of the less-salubrious-sounding areas.
To preempt that, here are eight Crossrail stations we reckon could benefit from a reboot.
Reading: Festival Town
The problem with Reading is that whichever way you read it ('Reading' or 'reading') it sounds as dull as a bowl of milkless, sugarless Weetabix. Rumour has it that grubby whippersnappers converge on Reading each summer for a jolly old beano consisting of 'rock' music and ritual Portaloo torchings. Our suggestion: rename Reading 'Festival Town', and the cider-soaked tinnitus blowout will carry on all year. Maybe we'll see the world's first £200k tent.
Maidenhead: West Windsor
Thanks to that Harry and Meghan pair, Windsor is officially the place to be in 2018. Neighbouring Maidenhead would frankly be foolish not to get in on the royal action. A swift rebrand to 'West Windsor', and estate agents can happily bung another 50 grand onto that one-bed flat. Even if the only Castle it has views of is a grotty boozer.
Slough: Eton Wick
You can practically smell the heritage, the straw boaters, the fresh strawberries and smashed meringue of Eton, from nearby Slough. OK, Slough may have given us Thunderbirds and a semi-famous stuffed dog. But Eton gave us Ian Fleming, Hugh Laurie, Eddie Redmayne and countless other likeable toffs. You know it makes sense to rename Slough 'Eton Wick'. Even if they are a one-hour walk apart.
Hayes and Harlington: Neville
Hayes and Harlington: it's a bit of a mouthful isn't it. That's our excuse for renaming it Neville. It's a refined, classy, avuncular and memorable name — but better than that, heading east on Crossrail it precedes Southall — inevitably conjuring images of the magnificently-tached, skeleton-obsessed former Everton keeper Neville Southall.
Acton Main Line: Trampoline Park
Just like members of The Arcade Fire, there are too many Acton stations to keep tabs on. What Acton Main Line station needs is a USP — and that comes in the form of the nearby Oxygen Freejumping Trampoline Park. Who doesn't want to live in a place called Trampoline Park? Sorry Bat & Ball, your days as the most recreational sounding train station are over.
Woolwich: Arsenal Proper
Nothing wrong with the name Woolwich as such — but here's a chance for the area to once and for all reclaim its rightful name, as the setting of London's original Arsenal. If it riles a few Gooners along the way, so be it.
Ilford: Winston Way
Sorry Ilford — the name just isn't doing it for us. Fortunately, the new Crossrail station is next to a thoroughfare called Winston Way — now there's a name with gravitas, heritage AND alliteration.
And you thought we were going to rename it Havering atte Bower. Something we learned in 2017 was that Romford is a cool place, and should be proud of itself. We're not suggesting a name change so much as a case change. Romford must proclaim itself from the rooftops. From now on Romford shall be known as... ROMFORD.