Things We Should Ban From London Transport

Will Noble
By Will Noble Last edited 15 months ago
Things We Should Ban From London Transport

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London's transport system is world-beating. But we could definitely make it better. How? By banning all this nonsense.

This chap's had a hard year - let him have his train beer. Ban the drinking ban

Adverts for holidays

Look, we haven't forgotten that holidays exist. And we'll go on one when we've got the time and the finances, OK? For now, we could really do without glossy images of sizzling Malta shoved down our throats, when our main concern right now is not getting a faceful of sneeze from the bloke sitting opposite us.

Air vents

It's a cruel twist indeed to put an air vent that doesn't work, on a train that's hotter than the sun. Every now and again, some poor soul will walk over to it and twiddle the knobs, thinking they're fixing the carriage's woes. Everyone else in the carriage watches, slowly shaking their heads. Embarrassing, isn't it. While we're at it, those windows on the Overground that look like they should open, but absolutely don't open, need to be sorted out too.

Trying to move house

Three large suitcases. A rolled up duvet. A lampshade. A potted peace lily. Looks like another case of someone trying to move house on the tube. Which is really not a good idea for anyone — not the movee (and their roped-in friends) who've got to shuttle between Palmers Green and Shepherd's Bush half a dozen times on a Saturday. Nor for the people who are jostling with an Ikea bookcase for breathing space. There are people you can talk to. They're called Zipcar.

Save it for the bedroom


We're as guilty as the next person for doing this one, but let's make a collective effort to stop it. Tutting ain't going to fix that signal failure at Morden. Or can some sparky start up company find a way of converting tuts into energy? Let's look into that.

Bare feet

Well done, you're a liberated soul. Now put your shoes back on, thanks.

Listening to music without headphones

An age-old classic, which doesn't need any explaining. There is one exception to the rule: anyone who's listening to a funny podcast, and insists on sniggering, must pull out their 'phones and share it with the class. It's only fair.

Share the joke please

The drinking ban

That's right, the drinking ban should be banned. Ever since Boris Johnson announced his public transport prohibition, has anything actually improved? Look, it's been a slog all week at the office, and if we want to knock back this lukewarm Gordon's gin in a tin, then we should be allowed to, without having to disguise it in an M&S bag.

Other suggestions from the office

Wellies, James Bond (after the mess he caused in Skyfall), tube drivers (ouch, that's a controversial one), politicians looking for photo ops, werewolves, those buskers playing When The Saints Go Marching In and alcohol. Hang on, haven't we just un-banned that?

What would you ban from the tube? Tell us in the comments below.

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Last Updated 23 October 2017