London's Crappiest Virtual Reality Experiences That Some PR Agency Will No Doubt Dream Up Soon

M@
By M@
London's Crappiest Virtual Reality Experiences That Some PR Agency Will No Doubt Dream Up Soon

Did you hear? The Shard now has a virtual slide that lets you whiz around the outside of the skyscraper. Meanwhile, Topshop has built a virtual waterslide in its Oxford Street store. It won't stop at slides. Here are seven virtual reality ideas for London, which may or may not become actual.

Virtual screening of The Lawnmower Man

Hoxton's Virtufilm East Festival invites Londoners to a special #meta screening of the Lawnmower Man, which has not dated at all. Participants put on VR headsets to accurately simulate the experience of going to a cinema to watch a film. After taking your actual seat, and then your virtual seat, you'll get to watch the 1992 sci-fi film about virtual reality in actual virtual reality. Actually. The movie will be followed by compilation footage of every holodeck malfunction from Star Trek: The Next Generation (running time 37 hours, 22 minutes).

Thames Scuba Experience

Mostly brown.

Thames VR Subaqua are offering the chance to explore the full majesty of London's river. This silt-rich environment is currently experienced only by salvage divers and fish. Colossal advances in computing power now allow you to visualise the full length and depth of the tidal Thames — from Teddington to the Estuary. With visibilities of up to three centimetres, this is a truly immersive experience.

VR House

"Why are we sat on this newspaper?" — "Because you're going to shit yourself when you see how much this costs."

Virtual technology allows users to enter fantasy realms unlike anything possible in the real world. Estate agents Poxtowns have a new immersive experience that lets Millennials wander around a modest semi-detached house as though they own the place. VR House even lets you throw your own house-warming party, specially tailored to those who can never afford to pay for their own house, warmth or party.

Historic Executions of London

Everyone's losing their heads over this one! Gory tourist attraction The London Incarceration Experience has a new virtual reality room where you can take part in the capital's most notorious executions. Tremble like the Duke of Monmouth as a vectorised Ketch hacks away at your neck. Find out what it was like to incur the wrath of Queen Mary as you burn on a Smithfield stake. Or relive the death of Anthony Babington — a remarkable simulation in which you get to inspect your own viscera while screaming loudly.

Virtual Romford

Virtual Romford

Romford played a leading role in the development of virtual technologies. It's a little-known fact that the town gave its name to the CD Rom. Most recently, Romford was twinned with the city of Riften in the province of Skyrim. There's much to see in Romford, but it's a long way out and tastes suspiciously like Essex. Instead, don your VR headset and prepare to be dazzled by Havering's premier destination.  

VR VR VR

Pointless bit of wordplay in which Queen Victoria is virtually assassinated with VR nerve agent. Nobody is amused.

DLR train driver

Ever wondered what it's like to drive an actual train? TfL spent £77 million developing a simulator called the 'Docklands Light Railway' (the 'Light' refers to the complex projection mapping, which gives the illusion of a train network conjured from nothing more than beams of light). You can sit anywhere within these holographic trains, but experienced players can unlock the driver's seat, or else seek poetry in motion at the rear.

Last Updated 31 August 2017

Bob Henderson

Any excuse to whine about PR agencies ... again