25 April 2017 | 4.7 °C

10 Really Terrible Jokes About London

M@
By M@
10 Really Terrible Jokes About London
Knock, Knock

If Londonist were ever to make a box of Christmas crackers, these are the rubbish jokes we would fill them with. Enjoy.


"My mum bought most of my presents from the London Borough of Hounslow."
"Feltham?"
"No, I don't want to spoil the surprise."


What's the difference between a south London football supporter and a plasterer?
One's a Millwall fan, the other's a fill-wall man.


Prehistoric Londoner 1: "I just fired an arrow into the mouth of the River Lea"
Prehistoric Londoner 2: "Bow Creek?"
Prehistoric Londoner 1: "No, it's made from the finest yew wood, and never makes a sound."


Knock Knock
"Who's there?"
"Your neighbour..."
"Look mate, this is London. I don't want to know you. I will only acknowledge you if you play your tunes too loud, and then I'm calling the police. OK?"


Based on actual events.

Why did the chicken cross the North Circular Road?
To get from Finchley to Hendon.


"Speaking of chickens, a gang of them recently attacked my friends in south London."
"Peckham?"
"Ah, I'm going to have to stop you there. This joke is too obvious."


My mates live five-to-a-bedroom in the backstreets of Balham...

"I'm getting a nasty rash from this sweater I picked up in south-east London."
"Woolwich?"
"It can't be that. It's made from polyester"


"Did you hear about the punster who was arrested in Hackney last night?"
"Yeah, bit of a Mare, that one."
"The handcuffs were Clapton."
"I guess the police were at the end of the Wick."
"At least they managed to Shacklewell."


And finally, an old classic:

Why did Sherlock Holmes measure the Monopoly board?
To see if the game was a foot.


Please offer up your own terrible jokes in the comments below. Bonus points if you can make a pun out of De Beauvoir Town.

Last Updated 13 March 2017

Richard Gillin

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Maybe it's a big horse.
Maybe it's a big horse who?
*sings* maybe it's-a-bighorse I'm a Londoner, that I love London so...

[i think I heard this on a kid's TV programme around 35-40 years ago]

Chris Surridge

Lost tourist: Do you know the way to Cockfosters?
Australian (i.e. Paul Hogan): Serve it warm mate!

(probably still under copyright. 1980s TV ad)