What The Tube Announcements Should Be Saying

Laura Reynolds
By Laura Reynolds Last edited 19 months ago
What The Tube Announcements Should Be Saying
Photo: Duncan Palmer

"Alight here for..." is something we hear all too often the tube. These automated announcements purport to be helping tourists, letting them know which tourist attractions are nearby. Making London easy to navigate is all well and good, but let's manage expectations, shall we?

We recently found ourselves rewriting these announcements in our head to make them a little more honest. Here's what we came up with.

Charing Cross

What it currently says: "Alight here for Trafalgar Square, National Gallery and National Portrait Gallery"

What is should say: "Alight here to be sh*t on by pigeons. You're not even allowed to paddle in the fountains anymore. Nelson will be pleased to see you, though."

Regent's Park

What it currently says: "Alight here for local buses to ZSL London Zoo"

What it should say: "Alight here to faff away half your morning trying to find the right bus stop before giving up and settling for a really long walk through the park."

Oxford Circus

What it currently says: "Alight here for Central/Bakerloo lines" (depending which line you're already travelling on).

What it should say: "Alight here for... actually, don't alight here. Ever. Don't do it to yourself. Just no. Especially not if Christmas is nigh. No."

Got any better ideas for what should be said at these stations (or other stations on the tube map)? Baker Street or Tower Hill, perhaps? Let us know in the comments below.

Last Updated 25 October 2016

Continued below.

Jim

The next station is Morden. Alight here for Sauron, orcs and Mount Doom.

Paul Darigan

Victoria Station
What it does say: [I'm not sure, I rarely listen closely]
What it should say: Alight here to be poked in the eye with brollies, asked directions to Victoria Coach Station, and to trip over tourists' poorly wheeled suitcases.

Daniel McKeown

What it says: Mind the gap; this is Aldgate.

Should say: If you're not a prodigiously gifted jumper, hunt down the biggest-looking guy on the train and ask them to throw you onto the platform.

Dan Camden

Paddington: Alight here for Hammersmith and City Line. Hahahahaha no actually don't do that, the interchange is miles away, you silly tourist fool
Goodge Street: Alight here for literally nothing at all
Earls Court: Alight here to be transported back to the 1970s

AlanC

'There is a Good Service....' No. That is subjective, We decide that. What you have is a Normal service.

Greg Tingey

How about
NOTHING AT ALL?
"there is a good service on all lines" - we didn't need to know that - SHUT UP
"mind the doors" - there's an automated "Bleep" - SHUT UP
"This is Arsehole Central, alight here for ..." - at a deafening volume - SHUT UP

It's very noticeable that the Paris Metro manages perfectly well with about 95% less aural damage & overload.

Matt

'A good service on all lines' Really fcuks me off. Whoever introduced that should probably consider a career as an estate agent.

A 'good service' would, to my mind, mean a seat on a quiet clean train for about £5 a day.

What it should say is 'Apologies that you're all crammed in like sardines day after day. We know its inhumane and no, we don't allow animals to travel like this to slaughter. And sorry about the eye watering travel card price increases while inflation remains at 0%, but someone's got to pay for my pension, haven't they?'.

James Waygood

Westminster
What it does say: Please mind the gap between the train and platform.
What it should say: Please mind the gap between reality and policy.

Ingrid Copperman

This is Green Park. Change here for the Jubilee, Victoria and Piccadilly lines...but only if you have your hiking boots and plenty of water, because it's MILES!!!

Ingrid Copperman

This is Amersham. Yup, you've fallen asleep and this is the end of the line...

Graham Mckay-Smith

Chiswick Park, alight here to be nowhere near Chiswick Park or any bus that might even take you there.

Matthew

The next station is Canary Wharf. Change for Crossrail, no the Elizabeth line, and erm, the DLR. Wait...