With the steady rise of matchmaking sites – not to mention that Mr or Miss Perfect must be somewhere among a rapidly mushrooming eight-odd million – London’s denizens are dating with the voracious appetite normally ascribed to characters from an American sitcom. Londoners aren’t just dating more though; they’re ditching more, too. Plenty has been written on where to wow potential lovers, but what about where to get rid of them? Here are some ideas.
For a peaceable break-up
No one wants their “we need to talk” rebuked by a rowdy public airing of “your technique was rubbish anyway”. Perform the break-up in the wrong place with a mouthy paramour, and your bedroom-based insufficiencies could soon be the talk of Tower Hamlets. Swerve this problem by taking your intended dumpee to one of the meditation classes at the London Buddhist Centre, then whisper the bad news to them just before things get under way. They’ll have to keep schtum, and who knows, maybe they’ll have transcended their state of annoyance by the time the session is over. Or how about broadcasting your break-up while being interviewed on London Live? Recent viewing figures suggest hardly anyone’s watching, so they’re probably not picky about guests, and next to no one will see you getting screamed at.
For a break-up with perspective
It’s not nice being told you’re not The One. But often a little perspective can soften the blow. For instance, Henry VIII’s separation from two of his wives – Anne Boleyn and Catherine Howard – also entailed the separation of their heads from their bodies. Hammer home the ‘things could be worse’ message by agreeing to meet at Tower Green, where the two ex-queens met their fate.
Or, if your soon-to-be-ex had a decent sense of humour, placation through laughs might be the best approach. How can the person you’re dumping stay mad at you for long when they’re chuckling their heads off at the Cartoon Museum‘s Spitting Image puppets, or toying around with replica Tommy Cooper props at the Museum of Comedy? They’ll be over you jus’ like that.
For a quick-getaway break-up
If you predict the break-up isn’t going to go well, arrange to put plenty of distance between the two of you in a very short amount of time. How? Announce your split in the lift at the bottom of the Shard, then jump out just before it ascends. Your befuddled now-ex will be catapulted 244 metres into the ether, giving you ample time for a well-deserved drink and the bus home. The London Eye and the Emirates Air Line work almost as well.
If your budget doesn’t stretch to lofty London landmarks, plot your break-up to occur just as your partner steps onto the escalator at Angel. At 60 metres, it’s the longest on the network, and you’ll be long-vanished by the time the dumpee gets back to the top/bottom.
For a break-up with instant rebounds
Maybe your partner isn’t much of a moper, in which case it only seems fair to offer them the chance of an instant rebound. Set them free at one of the city’s best dating experiences; Slagbox (where chat-up lines are read out to punters in a cleverly clandestine way), or Meddlers of Honour, the club night where everyone is a singleton (granted, your partner may find it a bit suss if you take them along to this). Fulham’s Pitcher & Piano is another possibility, as, according to The Standard’s roster of top places to pull, it’s an “almost guaranteed snogfest” —  or at least it was…we’re told the place has now closed down.
Or, if you’re both open-minded, up the ante by ending the relationship in the (literally) steamy Kentish Town swingers club Rios or salaciously liberal experience Killing Kittens. Who knows, perhaps after that, you’ll both find yourselves suitably refreshed and ready to give it another try.
Disclaimer: At least some of these suggestions are tongue-in-cheek. Always be nice to your fellow Londoners.