10 Really Stupid Things To Do On The Tube

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With the strike called off, it’s time to start having fun with the tube again. Here are 10 really dumb things to attempt on the Underground.

1. Lick the pole from the very bottom to the very top without once removing your tongue. Share your tasting notes with fellow passengers: “Yes, I’m definitely getting lemons on this one. Lemons, and possibly salt and vinegar crisps”.

2. Start a petty argument with the robot announcer. “The next station is Oval? Really? Because it looks decidedly cylindrical to me, you git.”

3. Alternatively, every time the robot announcer says “the next station is…”, shout “MACCLESFIELD” over the station name. This is really funny. Try it. No one will hate you.

4. Stand by the doors and draw a circle around yourself on the floor with a permanent marker. Declare this your sovereign territory and confront anybody who crosses the line.

5. Curl a turd onto one of the seats, then clean it up using a doggy bag.

6. Place a massive rucksack on the seat next to you. When someone wants the seat and asks you to move the bag, take out your hive of Japanese hornets.

7. Fashion a cape from old tube seat material. This is the ultimate camouflage. You can now sit down anywhere you like and nobody will see you.

8. Naked cartwheels.

9. Wear an excessively tall hat and spend your journey hunched over, grumbling about TfL’s millinery discrimination policies.

10. Attempt to use a freshly harvested oyster to swipe through the ticket barriers. When approached for assistance, insist that you topped your mollusc up with pearls only this morning.

Please add to this list in the comments below. Or don’t. See if we care.

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Article by Matt Brown | 4,787 Articles | View Profile | Twitter

  • yourlame

    You’re idiot. Stupid article.

    • DrDNoble

      You’re *an* idiot. If you’re going to bitch, at least be proper about it.

      • MFlick

        you are my hero, Dr. D.

    • Mr P Edant

      Shouldn’t your name be “You’re lame”? It’s a little more grammatically correct.

      • JCS

        Or he could have meant, you r lame with his ID and just run it altogether. That’s what came to mind when I saw it.

  • stubnitz

    This is not fun.

  • snph

    Grab a person who just got on the bus in panic and say “You dropped your wallet!” pointing at the bus stop.

  • Andrea Campanella

    Start to run blindly in the corridor

  • Gnome_Chumpskie

    number 5, but replace “doggy bag” with a printed copy of this post

  • Paul Robinson

    Thank you for a few i haven’t tried on the tram, rather than the tube yet. Since i’m an ex pat living in northern Frogland it does tend to be difficult to amuse the French quite the same though, especially in Franglais in an Ulster/Scots accent.

  • Stella

    pay the fair

    • amber

      the fair what?

      • FRedny

        Pay the fair of get kicked off the dodgems.

  • Bobby

    This is the worst article I’ve ever read. Not even a flicker of a smile crossed my face. Cannot believe someone is being paid for this. Try harder.

    • MattFromLondonist

      OK, will do.

      • Pegasis

        Is this your last day on the job or something?

      • megs

        Aww come on guys! I had a giggle! If you haven’t got anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all! It is nice to read a bit of humor about the the tube? Everyone is so serious, rude and can even be nasty at times, it is good to see someone making light of that. Thank you Matt :)

        • Laurence Tait

          It seems like mad ramblings not an article but when you consider it this way then I got it – does everyone really need insights of the perfectly good tube service; do they have to read an ‘article’ about it in the Times – lighten up and do mad cartwheels, touch your inner self

        • JCS

          You were just in a good mood at the time or had too much caffeine in your system. Or maybe that giggle was just gas?

    • MFlick

      wow, just a tad grumpy, are we?

    • JCS

      He was trying harder, didn’t work though did it? I think he should donate his compensation for this article to a local no kill animal shelter.

  • Ross Bourne

    I can’t believe the number of people who can’t recognise a bit of fun when it slaps them in the face. Lighten up, you’ll feel better for it.

    • Ross Bourne

      PS – Matt, I laughed out loud at number 3. Excellent!

      • MattFromLondonist

        Cheers! Lots of people on twitter report LOLs, while lots of commenters find the article crappy. Guess it depends on your sense of humour.

        • alex

          Easy, someone who doesn’t like your article says it here to insult you, someone who likes it shares it…

        • JCS

          But people on twitter will LOL at anything.

      • Treacle

        I laughed at number 3 too. Because I am from that dark and horrid place

  • kitty

    Considering the camo cape..

  • zi

    bullshit

  • Viktor

    Matt, this isn’t funny. I appreciate that some find it amusing but I think there are many idiots out there who really don’t need to be given ideas and/or encouragement to try any of these ten things just to annoy the rest of the commuters…

  • Geoff Marshall

    made me chuckle! ignore the kill-joys, Matt.

    i DID once *sort of* have an argument with the automated platform announcing at Baker Street. it was reporting that Swiss Cottage station was closed. it did it about seven times in a row in the space of five minutes.

    so i SHOUTED (actually shouted) “Is there ANY CHANCE YOU COULD UPDATE US ABOUT SWISS COTTAGE THOUGH!” (sarcastically), at which point the automated announcement came on telling us that Swiss Cottage was closed.

    i am not making this up!

  • Franco Milazzo

    Loved it! Also:

    Make crap Jim Morrison joke anytime the announces mentions “the doors”. At every station. No-one will move out of earshot.

    Bring the biggest and wettest umbrella in the world into a packed carriage then try to open it up.

    Find the woman staring at the Kindle (there’s always one) and ask her if she bought it before or after she first read Fifty Shades Of Grey.

  • JournoJen

    That’s three minutes of my life I’ll never get back. Why did you even waste your time writing this?

  • tooearnest

    Dude – sorry – you guys are trying to build a reputation as the place to get info re London. You just can’t afford to lame articles right now. Actually ever. What was the point of it? Not funny, no satire on potential situations. Just bad writing and not good for reputation.

  • MsSmarty

    Not totally without humour, but seems to be scrapping the bottom of the barrel. I give it a C-, could do better.

  • Luca Dofus

    Ride in your underwear! #nopantstuberide

  • Ann

    :) and travel with birthday ballons when it is really busy. I have done it once.

  • MFlick

    Move a proper office desk into the carriage just at the main doors. When they open at a stop say in your most polite and professional voice, “Hello, do you have an appointment?”

  • Naked Cartwheeler

    well I thought it was a fun article

  • http://www.kcstrategicdesign.com Kirsten Corien

    Haven’t tried the tube announcer yet, but I do always get into arguments with the self scan machine at Sainsbury’s (“unexpected item in bagging area” – “…uhm, it’s a bag, seriously, in the bagging area, how unexpected can it be??” And then she just keeps insisting she was not expecting that :(

  • David W

    Have done/do 2 and 3. “It’s not Oval, it’s rectangular” Replace Willesden Green (why does she try to make it sound exciting?) with Camberwick Green. I may have said this out loud. Would like to do 7 but even secondhand moquette is rather pricey…

  • http://willshootpeopleforfood.tumblr.com/ Gabriele Correddu

    I had my bit of fun with fellow commuters on the Central Line during the strike; the driver said something along the lines “I will move the train in two minutes” or something like that – to which I replied, after a while “well, looks pretty still to me. Well, time is relative to speed, we’re not moving so we’re stuck in time!” – and a fellow behind me “Yeah, the Twilight Zone”. Chuckled ensued, at least it made the stop more bearable. #shittyphisics

  • Amine

    so funny LoL. like number 3 too :D

  • Mel

    Thank you, I enjoyed the laugh. Just ignore the trolls who have no sense of humor.

  • Dave H

    I knew someone who did number 1. (Well, the full length pole licking, although he didn’t share tasting notes afterwards.)

  • maggie

    Was this written by an American!?

  • James O’brien

    not funny

  • joseph

    I don`t think if anyone tried these things before.

  • Giles Cudmore

    More silly stuff like this, for the dull stuff people can always read Time Out.

  • yawn

    wow, this is lame…must be running out of decent Mat-erial…

    • megs

      That pun was lame…

  • r’helypa

    +1 stand in the doorway, hum the main theme of The Lord of the Rings, and when the door opens at a station tell people “you shall not pass” (or something… I’ve found similar ideas for elevators once, this was one of them, probably applicable here as well)

  • deadlyknitshade

    This is genius. Grammatical hilarity in comments just makes it better. Excellent work, Matt. London with a sense if humour? How dare we‽

  • FRedny

    Done them all. Curling one off got the attention of transport police so I didn’t stop to pick it up unfortunately.

  • i’venevercommenetedonanything

    This really is a terrible, assinine, moronic article with all the humour of community college rag. Grow up.

  • kick

    you could jump in and out shouting hurcane and see how people react