Highlights And Low-Blows From London Collections: Men

After a soggy start on Monday, London Collections: Men has turned out to be a fun and frequently amusing carnival of men and clothes. There have been divertingly weird shows by JW Anderson (space-age kaftans and orthopaedic shoes) and James Long (blue hair styled like swimming hats), while Rake wisely suggested wearing your pyjamas under your jacket (convenient). The models at the John Lobb presentation were kept in aquarium-like display cases, though we were reassured to hear that food is regularly sprinkled on them. Meanwhile, over at the Royal Academy, Duchamp were demonstrating bartitsu — we hoped this might be some sort of drinking contest, though it turned out to be the martial art practiced by Sherlock Holmes.

There have been some impressively flashy parties – gold leaf on the hotdogs at Superdry and a kind of glory hole for cocktails at Thomas Pink. Elsewhere, a wheezing Liam Gallagher celebrated his own label Pretty Green with some other past-it pop stars. Other slebs we saw include Samuel O’Leary and Dermot L Jackson (we’ve switched their names around here out of respect for privacy) and also Wretch Grimshaw and Nick 32 (we did it again). Overseeing everything, and seemingly in six places all at once, was vulpine supermodel David Gandy, who suspiciously resembled the Egyptian demigod Anubis.

To summarise what we’ve learned so far: show your “mankles” (all winter), dye your hair blue, put a hanky in your breast pocket, wear a big black hat, wear rubber shoes over your normal shoes, have a quiff, don’t be afraid of transparent clothes, never smile, mousse your beard, pretend queuing is cool. And if in doubt when there are designers around, just break into spontaneous applause and say “so wearable!” preferably in a German accent.

Photos by José Farinha

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