Londonist has a long and proud history of holding meetings in pubs. This has literally never resulted in one of us writing an article that isn’t quite as funny as it seemed the night before.
We are not, however, alone in our affection for the grape and the grain. So on Wednesday, as a sort of virtual AA meeting, we decided to ask the followers of our Twitter feed for their most embarrassing booze-related stories (“Is this a real thing?” asked one. All we can say is that it seemed a good idea in the pub.) Here, for your delectation, are our favourites.
Some told stories involving friends…
- @kdwignall A non-Londoner friend naively rented a Boris bike one night, got so lost he took it ON the tube with him.
- @bemyfirecracker [redacted] woke up on a golf course in Essex with security guards about to chase him off
- @gavinhaynes Watching work colleague haggle with rickshaw driver over the possibility of pedaling him from Regent St to Reading. Driver refused to go beyond Paddington, cost him £30!
Others involved strangers.
- @Jose_Bear I saw a guy last week get his mates to surround him so he could piss in the corner. I was on a different carriage. All of them were clearly unaware how windows work, or that we were about to stop at Embankment
- @BrotherAmos I once saw a bloke tie a sleeping man’s dreadlocks around a pole on a bus, and then wake him to start a fight.
- @acediscovery Man on bus singing All That She Wants by Ace of Base, but replacing ‘baby’ with ‘monkey’ #drunklondon
Some stories involved celebrity encounters.
- @steveanderson87 Once stole a bottle of wine from the table a former member of Metallica after he ignored our charm in favour of a younger lady
- @KleaAndron Convinced Peter Andre at the Brit Awards that he knew me, solely to embarrass him when he couldn’t remember who I was…
- @ukpubbitch I once followed Ronnie Barker into a pub loo to ask him about his then-new series. Then found I couldn’t ‘go’. #awks
Others didn’t. People just thought they did.
- @FatGayVegan had an argument in Maoz on Old Compton Street with another drunk who thought I was Chris Moyles #DrunkLondon
Then there were those who shared their own, personal humiliations.
- @Kathrynnnjoy I was once sick in my scarf on the tube, I held it up to catch it all. I’m pretty confident no one noticed
(Oh, they noticed.)
- @KirstZA Bought front row tickets at full price for Spamalot. Had to see it a second time to know what happened.
- @Jessie_Schwab Cut my thumb on broken glass then wiped the blood on the forehead of the boy trying to help me clean it up and whispered ‘Simba’
- @StandardsDave Decided that it was a good idea to walk from Moorgate to Wimbledon. In the rain. In March. wearing a just a tutu and vest. Eugh.
(Dave had a very good explanation for the tutu. Honest he did.)
- @willdtrow After a round of pub golf i threw up in a carrier bag, then carried it on the district line in full golf garb. #fore.
- @kryptoneil Once got a taxi back to my ‘grilfriends’ at 4am after a work night out. I’d seemingly forgotten we’d been broken up 3 for months.
(Apparently she was very understanding.)
- @roswensian phoned Boris’ to complain that I was lost in an industrial site in Stratford because the main road was closed to put a bridge up!
- @scarletshimmer I once yelled “don’t go to grandmas!” at lady walkin home alone wearing red coat with hood. Seemed good advice at the time.
The Londonist editorial team, of course, would never act in such a manner.
- @mattfromlondon Once asked two gents at the next table for their views on fisting. Both famous, knighted scientists, it turned out
- @JonnElledge Once had a conversation with Michael Portillo in the loos at an awards do he was hosting. We talked about the privy council
We wrapped up the conversation after this contribution made us take a long, hard look at ourselves.
- @pcchan1981I don’t have any stories as I drink responsibility and most of these people seem like selfish inconsiderate arseholes.
Shame on you, London. Shame on you.
Photograph courtesy of Epeigne37, taken from the Londonist Flickr pool