Having spent hours and hours piecing together our Halloween listings, it’s clear that the range of spooky events in London gets bigger and sillier with each passing year. To that end, we’ve concocted ten Halloween happenings that are so outrageously dumb that they’re bound to happen in 2014.
Silence of the Lamb’s Conduit Street
An attractive street food market runs the entire length of the popular Bloomsbury street, offering a full range of international fare. The Halloween catch? Punters must consume their supper through the sharpened mouth bars of a Hannibal Lecter mask. Hamburgers get messy, but the deft customer can use the mouthguard to slice potato wedges into delicious fries. Free plate of fava beans and a nice glass of chianti for the first 100 visitors.
Brian Blessed’s Midnight Butchery
Masterclass in steady knifemanship from the hirsute shoutster. Participants learn to slice raw flank, plate and brisket from a carcass, before moving on to a rib workshop. On the stroke of midnight, the butchery is plunged into darkness. Attendees must use their new-found skills to blindly complete the meat preparation. As a menacing distraction, Blessed gropes his way around the room while recreating the the “Did you sleep with my daughter?” scene from I, Claudius.
The Shore Ditch Project
In October 2012, three filmmaking students disappeared in the urban jungle of EC2A. They were never seen again, but video images captured by the trio were later recovered and pieced together into a harrowing documentary. You can now watch the recovered footage in a pop-up cinema in Bishopsgate Goodsyard. Afterwards, viewers are invited to join in the search for the missing filmmakers, solving a series of clues hidden on the streets of Shoreditch that eventually lead to a raucous after-event party. Or just look out for a parked van bearing the logo of the sponsoring drinks company, which rather gives the location away.
The Mayor of London’s Horrific Pumpkin Festival
City Hall switches its Boris from a Johnson to a Karloff, as the seat of the Greater London Authority is transformed into a giant pumpkin face. The Mayor describes the temporary alterations as a “Cucurbitaceous landmark that will put the willies up the good people of London this Halloween”. Cramped City Hall office workers are heard to grumble that the building has always been a bit of a squash.
An American Werewolf in Debenhams
Confused site-specific play in which our lycanthropic antihero rips his way out of a series of mid-range clothing brands. The beast is only tamed after becoming mesmerised by those sparkly black tiles that decorate the escalator area.
Stuck on the London Eye for What Seems Like Three Hours With…
Each of the Southbank attraction’s 32 pods contains a well-known annoying Londoner dressed up as a ghoul. Punters board whichever pod comes along first, and only discover who they’re stuck with once the doors have closed. Your entire ‘flight’ will be filled with an opinionated monologue from your randomly chosen annoying Londoner. The 32 speakers include 31 DJs from LBC radio and Simon Jenkins.
Bleeding Heart Yard Show-And-Tell
The evocatively named Farringdon courtyard is the scene for a gory reworking of the traditional pumpkin-carving competition. Participants must assemble lifelike bleeding hearts — still beating — built from scavenged meat, offal and Meccano, while urban foxes lick their lips from the yard’s corners. Not for the squeamish.
The Night Bus Experience
Genuine, immersive transport experience. Join 50 other shitfaced revellers on the upper-deck of an original London red bus, as you endlessly tour the inner suburbs at 3.15am. Will the tottering guy to your left vom all over his anxious neighbour? Will the gobby girls at the front find a willing crowd for their slurred singalongs? And will you please just turn your tinny music off? It sounds shit, and I’ve got a hangover forming. Don’t you have school tomorrow? Yeah, you f*ck off as well. Ticket prices vary, see TfL for more details.
The Bantam Fall Phantom Ball
Awkwardly spoonerised and ill-conceived party event in which headless chickens tumble from the tragically loaded roof space onto costumed revellers below. Ticket availability: very good.
Zombie Pop-Up Pong Apocalypse With DJs and Sliders
Ultimate winning combination of recent trends and tropes sees a Shoreditch warehouse converted into a refuge from a zombie infestation. Those using the shelter can amuse themselves by playing beer pong, eating artisan food and knocking back cocktails. UPDATE: ah, it’s been done.
Disclaimer: if you are Debenhams, Meccano, Transport for London, Simon Jenkins, Pop Up Ping Pong, an American werewolf, an LBC disc jockey or Brian Blessed, please do not try and sue us for misrepresentation, or we will put a warty hex on you.